Super Smash Brothers Haiku

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I’m a fan of Super Smash Brothers, as are a lot of gamers.  I’ve been enjoying the newest Smash Brothers lately, and I wanted to show my love for the series by honoring each character with their own Haiku.  Below are Haiku for every single character in the latest Smash Brothers.  I hope they elicit a laugh or two.  Let me know which is your favorite.

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Bowser Jr

The Clown Copter is

A nice nostalgic touch, but

I hate you.  Pick Roy.

————

Bowser

The King of Koopas

Grab, belly flop over edge

Such majesty, grace

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Captain Falcon

Flaming Bird-Shaped Punch

Always shaking, too much strength

Show them all your moves

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Charizard

What is this garbage?

Where’s Squirtle and Ivysaur?

What a waste of space.

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Dark Pit

Are you kidding me?

Why is he not a Pit skin?

Attack of the Clones.

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Diddy

Peanut guns, jet packs,

Banana Peels, Monkey Flips.

Give me that sweet hat.

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Donkey Kong

He’s finally back

Throwing punches like a boss

Ties are for closers.

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Dr Mario

Final smash is trash

Put this doc in with his pills

Suppositories

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Duck Hunt

Your haunting laughter

Redemption: Smashing your face

I can now move on

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Falco

Though he’s still a jerk

I guess I should be thankful

Slippy isn’t here

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Fox

Fast and in your face

Not much has changed over time

But tank, no Arwing?

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Ganondorf

Choke till you explode

Big boot to your pearly whites

Evil represent

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Greninja

Stupid frog ninja

Why are you in Smash Brothers?

Had to Google you

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Ike

Was hoping for Chrom

Cheap Up Smash, but we like Ike

He fights for his friends.

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Jigglypuff

YES! Fly and go Pound!

Jiggly brings the pain unless

Hold shield till KO

————

King Dedede

That robe ain’t that big

Where does he keep those Gordos?

I don’t want to know…

————

Kirby

Marshmellow hero

Will eat you, then run off cliff

Can’t stay mad; too cute!

————

Link

Link has brought his pants

His air game has been neutered

Still screams a whole lot

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Little Mac

Favorite is here!

If Mike Tyson were in Smash

I’d finally win.

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Lucario

Don’t like Kung Fu dog

Rewards players for sucking

That’s socialism

————

Lucina

Was so excited

But turned out to be Marth clone

Most disappointing

————

Luigi

Epic uppercut

Has running sissy punches

1 in 10 failure

————

Mario

 Flame-throwing plumber

 Most lithe fatty in Brooklyn

Get rid of F.L.U.D.D., please

————

Marth

Still in Smash, I see

‘Cause popular in Japan

Would rather have Chrom

————

Mega Man

Run and spin like top

I like to play Crash Bomb tag

Wish Rush was used more

————

Meta Knight

Hockey mask, Bat Wings

Tornado of swirling swords

Everyone picks him

————

Mii Fighters

To be quite honest

I haven’t played as these guys

Much better choices

————

Mr Game and Watch

Flicking sausages

Ring the bell incessantly

Lose all of your friends

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Ness

Physic, big-head boy

Fights with fire, bats, yo-yos

Lightning in his butt

————

Olimar

From six down to three

Less Pikmin to throw and kill

Small souls floating up

————

Pac-Man

I like to throw fruit

Fire hydrant on the edge

New and old forms: Win

————

Palutena

Counter, reflect? Yuck.

Twirls ’round staff like stripper pole

Cheap in every sense

————

Peach

Where does she hide Toad?

Hearts, rainbows and pink ribbons

Flying butt-splosion

————

Pikachu

Pikachu still sucks

I can’t follow up with him

Fights last forever

————

Pit

Fiery brass knuckles

Not as spammy as in Brawl

Still sounds like a girl

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ROB

Always be spinning

Beware the red blinking light

Scary, soulless eyes

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Robin

Floating lightning sword

Tag teaming with Chrom owns all

Wasteful towards books

————

Rosalina

If you and Luma

Can act independantly

Why no Ice Climbers?

————

Samus

So much explosions

Projectiles keep pressure on

Roll up and ax kick

————

Sheik

Quick combo master

Run, exploding teleport

Whip pisses friends off

————

Shulk

Smash is Major Leagues

Only legends need apply

Come back in ten years

————

Sonic

Being fast is fun

Leave trampolines everywhere

Final Smash is broke

————

Toon Link

Just like Link except

Smaller and cell shad-ier

Easier to launch

————

Villager

Plant and water tree

Going down; yelling “Timber!”

Ride rocket off stage

————

Wario

Smooth animations

Motorcycles and farts make

My opponenets die

————

Wii Fit Trainer

Lots of whistling

Attacks hit in both directions

And always so chill

————

Yoshi

New stance works for me

Really enjoy big Yoshi glitch

Hope they never patch

————

Zelda

Now separated

From Shiek, the reason to choose

Never use again

————

Zero Suit Samus

Too sexy for me

Feel like pervert when playing

This is Nintendo!?

3D Space Harrier – Get Ready!

3D Space Harrier

I’m not a fan of 3D.  It’s an interesting concept… for a few minutes.  That probably sounds weird coming from a guy who loves his 3DS, but I bought the handheld because I knew the games would be awesome, not for its 3D capabilities.  I rarely ever turn up the 3D slider, and, when I do, it’s usually because I accidentally bumped it.  Keeping that in mind, I recently downloaded 3D Space Harrier from the 3DS eShop.  Not for the promise of a beloved classic coming to the third dimension, but because I’ve always been a huge fan of Space Harrier.  Throw in the fact that it was going to be a portable, arcade-perfect port, and you know I had some high expectations.  After playing through the game, I’m ecstatic to say 3D Space Harrier crushed my expectations, and, surprisingly, its 3D effects played a big part in that crushing.

Welcome to the Fantasy Zone!  GET READY!

Boxart

Game: 3D Space Harrier

Console: 3DS

Developer: M2

Publisher: Sega

Release Year: 2013

“Space Harrier is a great game.  3D Space Harrier is Space Harrier; therefore, 3D Space Harrier is a great game.”

-Bygjuce

It’s simple logic, people.  I really can’t break it down any more than that for you.  I love Space Harrier and 3D Space Harrier, and you should, too!  But, for the love of God, don’t get 3D Space Harrier confused with Space Harrier 3-D, the original Space Harrier‘s shitty sequel on the Sega Master System with the shitty 3D glasses that made the game look like shit.

Space Harrier 3-D

 I bet the cartridge even tasted like shit.

Unlike the shit that was Shit Harrier 3-D, 3D Space Harrier is a fantastic game.  Sure, looking at the embedded trailer above pretty much shows all the game has to offer, but, to me, that’s not a bad thing.  The game is 18 levels of Harrier zooming forward while enemies and obstacles happen, and it’s your job to shoot and avoid them.  Simply put, there’s a beginning and an end to the game with some points to get in between – if you’re so inclined – and that’s it.  Though derivative, what the game lacks in gameplay variety it more then makes up for in bat-shit craziness, and isn’t that important, too?  I mean, what other game pits you up against fighter jets, wizards, aliens, dragons, mech suits, sentient boulders, and cyclopean wooly mammoths, all while flying around with a jetpack gun and rocking sweet blonde hair and a set of blue jeans and shades?  That’s right; only Space Harrier had the balls to shoot whatever!  And since it was the 80s, you better believe it all exploded!

Explosion

WOO!  REAGAN!

Obviously, Space Harrier‘s fun, but it was also pretty revolutionary when it released to arcades in 1985 because its deluxe cabinet was very immersing.  Players could sit while they played the game and, as they moved the joystick to move their in-game character, the entire cabinet would move as well, simulating the direction Harrier was flying.  This was done by using a couple of motors, a wheel, a nut, and a shaft, which – besides being the sexiest sentence I’ve ever typed in my blog – is interesting because only until recently I was under the impression that the cabinet used hydraulics.  I honestly don’t care what kind of Black Magic Sega used to make the cabinet move as long as it kicked ass!  Which it totally did!

There was nary an uncrowded bowling alley or Chuck E. Cheese if they had one of these babies.

And that music!  Man, it takes me back!  There are only a few tracks in the game, but the Main Theme (which you heard in the above video) is the one you’ll hear the most.  There are other tracks you’ll hear during end-stage boss fights, but those are fleeting.  VERY fleeting.  Most bosses in Space Harrier can be taken out in mere seconds.  But it’s all good because 3D Space Harrier lets you listen to the game’s soundtrack in the Settings menu.  So you can rock out to your heart’s content!

But music isn’t the only thing 3D Space Harrier‘s Settings menu lets you tinker with.  Along with standard things like “Difficulty” and “Number of Lives,” you can also toggle on and off “Arcade Cabinet Noises” (whenever you shot your gun in the original cabinet, there was a very satisfying clicking noise that accompanied each shot) and “Moving Cabinet” (the top screen on the 3DS will tilt as if you were looking at the monitor in a moving cabinet).

Screen Size

Errbody in Fantasy Zone gettin’ tipsy…

The above picture isn’t the result of your drinking problem (though you should get that checked out), nor is the 3DS cocked to the side.  That’s a head-on screenshot.  What you see is the screen tilting as Harrier goes left, a result of toggling on the “Moving Cabinet” option.  And the border isn’t the 3DS.  In the Settings Menu, you can alter the “Screen Size,” creating a border that looks like you’re viewing a monitor deep within a cabinet.  All of these customizable options found in the Settings menu really help to recreate the deluxe cabinet experience I grew up with.  Granted, there was no way M2, the game’s developer, was going to exactly replicate that experience, but all the little details they added are more than enough to bring back all those fuzzy feelings I felt way back when, and I honestly can’t thank M2 enough for working so hard to simulate the deluxe cabinet.

M2

Thank you, M2’s Naoki Horii and Sega’s Yosuke Okunari, for all the love you put in this game!  I’ll do my best not to make you the subject of any dick or fart jokes.

Though I’m not a fan of 3D, the tilting screen and deep-cabinet border only get better when you crank up that 3D slider.  I can say that the effect truly enhances 3D Space Harrier‘s gameplay and “feel.”  I’ve played through the game a few times now, and I can’t get enough of its 3D: the way it makes everything pop out at you as you zoom by, the way the deep-cabinet border makes you feel like you’re staring down into the monitor, the way those levels where you’re sandwiched between two checker-patterned surfaces blow my fucking mind!

Enclosed

If you value your soul, do not stare into the horizon…

There are 3 ways to move Harrier: The Circle Pad, the D-Pad, and the stylus.  Using the Circle Pad takes some getting used to because taking your thumb off the pad returns Harrier to the center of the screen.  If you don’t like that, use the D-Pad.  Lifting your thumb up doesn’t affect Harrier and he’ll stay put.  Lastly, the stylus moves Harrier to wherever you touch, and holding the stylus on the touch pad makes Harrier fire automatically, a wise design decision that would have greatly benefited another on-rails shooter for the 3DS…

Kid Icarus Stand

I can’t even make a funny caption.  The sight of this thing pisses me off too much.

What else can I say about 3D Space Harrier?  It’s an amazingly polished and entertaining love letter from M2 to Space Harrier and Sega fans, and it’s one of the only games I can think of that actually uses 3D effects in a way that makes the gaming experience better.  If you like shooters with a side order of campiness, or if you’re an 80s kid who remembers the deluxe cabinet and wants to relive those memories using the game’s unique settings, then I highly recommend this game.  M2 needs our support on this one, guys.  They did a wonderful job, and the industry needs to know we appreciate it.  I already downloaded my copy.  Have you?

Thanks for Your Playing!  What do you guys think about 3D in gaming?  Do you know of any ports that are actually better than their original game?  Hit me up in the comments!

Now, for your pleasure, here’s the bonus stage in Space Harrier, where Harrier gets to ride a dragon – Neverending Storystyle! – recklessly into trees in order to destroy them for points!  And, of course, the trees explode upon impact.  Because it’s the 80s, and FUCK TREES!

Bonus Stage

REAGAN!  WOO!

Project X Zone – X = Cross

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Crossovers kick ass.  Period.  I’ve loved crossovers ever since The Battletoads and The Double Dragons deemed the Earth worthy enough of their combined presence.  A good crossover can really get my inner fanboy going.  Hell, even a bad crossover can get me a little giddy if it’s at least humorous or campy with a cheesy after-school message. Continue reading

Formido Oppugnatura Exsequens – A Poem

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I’ve always been an Atlus Faithful, and I’ve been getting anything Atlus develops or publishes for a long time. They always make quality games I have a lot of fun with.  It’s not uncommon for me to pick up their newest game and get lost in it for a few weeks.  Some call it an addiction; I call it devotion!

I’m a huge fan of the Etrian Odyssey series.  The games’ combination of dungeon crawling, character skill development, and map making craft a unique feel that I’ve only experienced in EO.  Recently, I’d downloaded the game’s demo from the 3DS eShop.  Obviously, it was as awesome as I’d hoped!  So, to celebrate the upcoming release, Etrian Odyssey Untold: The Millennium Girl, I’ve decided to make a poem about my favorite things in the series: F.O.E.s!  I hope you all like it! Continue reading

Mega Man II – An Icon Enters the Fray

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Last week was E3, and this happened:

I’m sure a bunch of other stuff happened, but after watching this I no longer cared.  Mega Man trashing the mascots of Nintendo is just so euphoric.  It’s enough to give you a raging nerd boner, while the vague “2014” release date is enough to give you droopy nerd blue balls. Continue reading

Luigi’s Mansion: Dark Moon – The Universe’s Finest Achievement

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I have to tell you, of my own volition which definitely has nothing to do with any green plumber-related reasons, that I have found THE game.  The world’s greatest game to have been created or will ever be created.  Continue reading

Fire Emblem: Awakening – Pick a God and Pray! (Part II)

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Last time, I posted about how lame and unmanly I was during my first playthrough of Fire Emblem: Awakening.  Long story short: I was playing it wrong by not building relationships and by playing with Permadeath off.  Playing the game like I was a 5-year-old girl has besmirched my studly reputation, and the jeering from my peers and the mocking hoots from the neighborhood children still echo as I try to sleep. My wife calling me “Fatty, Fatty Girl Panties” while I slept wasn’t helping either.

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Fire Emblem: Awakening – I’m Playing It Wrong! (Part I)

Feature PicI’m a man with an eclectic taste when it concerns video games, but there are certain genres that I enjoy over others, and one of my favorite genres is the Strategy Role Playing Game, or SRPG.  Needless to say, my love for the SRPG has made me an expert in the SRPG field, and I had always viewed myself an authority on the subject. So you can only imagine the hit to my pride as I first experienced the Fire Emblem series.

Continue reading