Super Smash Brothers Haiku

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I’m a fan of Super Smash Brothers, as are a lot of gamers.  I’ve been enjoying the newest Smash Brothers lately, and I wanted to show my love for the series by honoring each character with their own Haiku.  Below are Haiku for every single character in the latest Smash Brothers.  I hope they elicit a laugh or two.  Let me know which is your favorite.

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Bowser Jr

The Clown Copter is

A nice nostalgic touch, but

I hate you.  Pick Roy.

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Bowser

The King of Koopas

Grab, belly flop over edge

Such majesty, grace

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Captain Falcon

Flaming Bird-Shaped Punch

Always shaking, too much strength

Show them all your moves

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Charizard

What is this garbage?

Where’s Squirtle and Ivysaur?

What a waste of space.

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Dark Pit

Are you kidding me?

Why is he not a Pit skin?

Attack of the Clones.

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Diddy

Peanut guns, jet packs,

Banana Peels, Monkey Flips.

Give me that sweet hat.

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Donkey Kong

He’s finally back

Throwing punches like a boss

Ties are for closers.

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Dr Mario

Final smash is trash

Put this doc in with his pills

Suppositories

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Duck Hunt

Your haunting laughter

Redemption: Smashing your face

I can now move on

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Falco

Though he’s still a jerk

I guess I should be thankful

Slippy isn’t here

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Fox

Fast and in your face

Not much has changed over time

But tank, no Arwing?

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Ganondorf

Choke till you explode

Big boot to your pearly whites

Evil represent

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Greninja

Stupid frog ninja

Why are you in Smash Brothers?

Had to Google you

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Ike

Was hoping for Chrom

Cheap Up Smash, but we like Ike

He fights for his friends.

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Jigglypuff

YES! Fly and go Pound!

Jiggly brings the pain unless

Hold shield till KO

————

King Dedede

That robe ain’t that big

Where does he keep those Gordos?

I don’t want to know…

————

Kirby

Marshmellow hero

Will eat you, then run off cliff

Can’t stay mad; too cute!

————

Link

Link has brought his pants

His air game has been neutered

Still screams a whole lot

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Little Mac

Favorite is here!

If Mike Tyson were in Smash

I’d finally win.

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Lucario

Don’t like Kung Fu dog

Rewards players for sucking

That’s socialism

————

Lucina

Was so excited

But turned out to be Marth clone

Most disappointing

————

Luigi

Epic uppercut

Has running sissy punches

1 in 10 failure

————

Mario

 Flame-throwing plumber

 Most lithe fatty in Brooklyn

Get rid of F.L.U.D.D., please

————

Marth

Still in Smash, I see

‘Cause popular in Japan

Would rather have Chrom

————

Mega Man

Run and spin like top

I like to play Crash Bomb tag

Wish Rush was used more

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Meta Knight

Hockey mask, Bat Wings

Tornado of swirling swords

Everyone picks him

————

Mii Fighters

To be quite honest

I haven’t played as these guys

Much better choices

————

Mr Game and Watch

Flicking sausages

Ring the bell incessantly

Lose all of your friends

————

Ness

Physic, big-head boy

Fights with fire, bats, yo-yos

Lightning in his butt

————

Olimar

From six down to three

Less Pikmin to throw and kill

Small souls floating up

————

Pac-Man

I like to throw fruit

Fire hydrant on the edge

New and old forms: Win

————

Palutena

Counter, reflect? Yuck.

Twirls ’round staff like stripper pole

Cheap in every sense

————

Peach

Where does she hide Toad?

Hearts, rainbows and pink ribbons

Flying butt-splosion

————

Pikachu

Pikachu still sucks

I can’t follow up with him

Fights last forever

————

Pit

Fiery brass knuckles

Not as spammy as in Brawl

Still sounds like a girl

————

ROB

Always be spinning

Beware the red blinking light

Scary, soulless eyes

————

Robin

Floating lightning sword

Tag teaming with Chrom owns all

Wasteful towards books

————

Rosalina

If you and Luma

Can act independantly

Why no Ice Climbers?

————

Samus

So much explosions

Projectiles keep pressure on

Roll up and ax kick

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Sheik

Quick combo master

Run, exploding teleport

Whip pisses friends off

————

Shulk

Smash is Major Leagues

Only legends need apply

Come back in ten years

————

Sonic

Being fast is fun

Leave trampolines everywhere

Final Smash is broke

————

Toon Link

Just like Link except

Smaller and cell shad-ier

Easier to launch

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Villager

Plant and water tree

Going down; yelling “Timber!”

Ride rocket off stage

————

Wario

Smooth animations

Motorcycles and farts make

My opponenets die

————

Wii Fit Trainer

Lots of whistling

Attacks hit in both directions

And always so chill

————

Yoshi

New stance works for me

Really enjoy big Yoshi glitch

Hope they never patch

————

Zelda

Now separated

From Shiek, the reason to choose

Never use again

————

Zero Suit Samus

Too sexy for me

Feel like pervert when playing

This is Nintendo!?

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Formido Oppugnatura Exsequens – A Poem

EO Feature

I’ve always been an Atlus Faithful, and I’ve been getting anything Atlus develops or publishes for a long time. They always make quality games I have a lot of fun with.  It’s not uncommon for me to pick up their newest game and get lost in it for a few weeks.  Some call it an addiction; I call it devotion!

I’m a huge fan of the Etrian Odyssey series.  The games’ combination of dungeon crawling, character skill development, and map making craft a unique feel that I’ve only experienced in EO.  Recently, I’d downloaded the game’s demo from the 3DS eShop.  Obviously, it was as awesome as I’d hoped!  So, to celebrate the upcoming release, Etrian Odyssey Untold: The Millennium Girl, I’ve decided to make a poem about my favorite things in the series: F.O.E.s!  I hope you all like it! Continue reading

Unboxing: Megaman 25th Anniversary

Mega Feature

Last month, I received my Megaman Classic 25th Anniversary Statue, and it was magnificent and life changing.  Today, I’d like to share the newest addition to my collection: The Megaman 25th Anniversary Statue!  I wish it had a better, more distinguishing name, but that’s what it’s called over at the Capcom Store, so there’s really nothing I can do about it, now is there? Continue reading

Video Games in Pop Culture: Regular Show – “Rage Against the TV”

Regular Show Feature Pic

I love me some video games.  I also love me some cartoons. Naturally, you’d imagine Cartoons about video games would be right up my alley.  And you’d be right.  But you know what I like more than video game cartoons?  Cartoons about dudes who play video games.  That might sound weird, but if you’ve seen Regular Show, then you know what I’m talking about. Continue reading

Megaman Classic 25th Anniversary Statue Unboxing!

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Today I received my long-awaited gift to myself via the United States Postal Service: the Megaman Classic 25th Anniversary Statue!  And it’s as glorious as it is breathtaking!  These statues were being sold at San Diego Comic Con last week.  I wasn’t able to attend, but that didn’t mean I didn’t have connections!  Concerning all things Megaman, I always make sure I’m covered! Continue reading

How to Spend Your Free $30 eShop Credit

nintendo_3ds_wallpaper_preview_by_fan3dsboy-d30uvh8Recently, I stumbled upon an excellent promotion Nintendo is doing – I presume – to promote their forthcoming crossover game.  If you register Fire Emblem: Awakening and Shin Megami Tensei IV on your Club Nintendo account, you will be given $30 of free eShop credit to do whatever you want with!  Free money AND two kick ass RPGs on my 3DS?  I’m so in!

Now, if you were anything like me, you now have $30 of free eShop credit and no idea how to use it.  Don’t worry!  I’m here to help.  With my “How To Spend Your Free $30 eShop Credit Guide,” I’ll show you the games I purchased with my free credit so you can spend your hard-earned credit on great, quality games in no time!  And this revolutionary guide is yours for absolutely FREE!  Simply scroll your eyes downward to enjoy your free guide. Continue reading

BygJuce @ Philly Comic Con ’13!

Comic Con

Hey, Internet!  For anyone who follows me on Twitter (@BygJuce), you’d know that I went to Philadelphia this past weekend to kick its manliness up to 11!  I had a hell of a good time despite my kids falling asleep and forcing me to carry them (50 lbs. gets real freaking heavy after an hour).  I met a lot of cool artists, fellow geeks, and gorgeous celebrities, including Stan Lee, Lou Ferrigno, William “”The Shat” Shatner, and the entire cast of Firefly – minus Nathan Fillion who was scheduled but canceled because of other obligations.

Though the cool merchandise and the star appeal is great, I really go to these conventions for one thing: Cosplayers!  I don’t cosplay myself because by wife would divorce me out of embarrassment, but I do appreciate me some good cosplayers when I see ’em.  So I’d like to share my favorite pastime: Photographing my favorite heroes and villains doing mundane things!  Yay! Continue reading

Ask the Experts

Ask the Experts

Over on ScrewAttack, a g1 named Dallinag runs a blog called Ask the Experts.  On this blog, he sends random questions for other g1s to answer.  He then posts the answers for the entire community to view, and hilarity ensues.  Recently, I had been asked to be an expert on the blog.  The following was my response: Continue reading

Punch Out!! Project Poster!!

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So I made this completely unnecessary yet angelic and elegant piece of greatness to hang in my office at work, and I wanted to share it because I knew you guys would find it proportionately transcendent and manly.  I present to you, in all its majesty and glory, my Punch Out!! Project Poster!! Continue reading