I recently did a review of a possibly gay import game for the PC Engine that caught the eye of one JimmyHapa. Not because it might be gay (I think), but because it’s an import title and he’s the host of Import Gaming FTW, an excellent show that takes a look at great games that didn’t make it to the West (or at least North America). We got to talking, and he showed interest in reading about Toilet Kids, another japan-only PC Engine “gem.” Being the nice guy that I am, I obliged. If only I had known what I was getting myself into. If only I’d known…
YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU DID THIS TO ME!
With that said, if you don’t find poop jokes, poop-related humor, or even just plain ol’ poop funny, I suggest you stop reading and go do something else. Might I suggest bashing your brains in with your keyboard? That would be a far better use of your time than continuing with this article.
Ughhh… Here’s Toilet Kids for the PC Engine.
Game: Toilet Kids
Console: PC Engine
Developer: Media Rings Corporation
Release Year: 1992
Toilet Kids is a shmup that puts you in control of a little boy or girl who rides around on a flying duck-shaped potty in order to shoot at poop-related things. You know, just in case you wanted to do something like that. It plays very much in the same way as Xevious with its vertical scrolling and ground attacking, but the similarities stop there because I already feel awful for having compared this game to a classic such as Xevious.
Though Xevious is only slightly more fun.
Now, shmups don’t need great stories to entice me to play them, but they at least need to have something: Taking down a hostile alien force, destroying an enemy’s super weapon, hunting down a tanooki to rescue a fox’s girlfriend. As long as I have a reason to explode things, regardless of how ridiculous it is, I’m good to go. Toilet Kids doesn’t even give me that. Instead, it opts to give players a quick, dialogue-free cutscene in order to confuse you before immediately dropping you into the action. Normally, I approve of this minimalistic approach to storytelling in my shooters, but… well, I’ll let its opening speak for itself.
WARNING: Little boy penis imminent! I have censored the offending image in the hopes of preventing the FBI from knocking down my and my readers’ doors.
This has been an 8-Bit Masterpiece Theatre production.
I’m not solely upset at the fact that I just watched a small boy de-pants and take a dump (though I really, really didn’t want to see that). I’m more upset at the fact that I’m trying to play a video game and somebody thought “little boy junk” was exactly what I needed to see before being inexplicably thrust into an adventure. Seriously, I have no idea what’s happening. Why did the toilet attack the boy? Why did he go inside the toilet? Why is he now flying around and killing things? Oops! No time for deliberation now. There are golden turds to explode!
Not everything that glitters is gold…
These shiny coils are sprinkled on the ground throughout the game. Dropping bombs on them will net you a 1-Up after you hit so many, and you’re going to need all the lives you can get because this game gets pretty tough. Your ship/potty goes down in one hit, and there’s shit coming at you from every angle. Literally.
You know I was just waiting to use that joke.
Yes, that is a troop of gorillas flinging their poo at you. And, yes, the game shows a pretty accurate animation of them pooping in their hands before chucking it. There are also anatomically correct deer (read: they have a little pixel to aid players in discerning their buttholes. Hooray) that run on screen and crap at you, ground-to-air missile style. It’s all pretty surreal, but the game’s most outrageous facet is that everything has an ass. EVERYTHING!
Therefore, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: The Ass-Copter.
Japan wins the internet.
And the Ass-Copter is just the beginning, folks. There are Ass-Frogs, Ass-Camels, Ass-Bugs, Ass-Fish, Ass-Crabs, and Ass-Shrimp. Seriously, Ass-Shrimp.
Ass-Gumbo, Ass-Chili, Ass-Fricassee, Ass-Chops, Ass-Mignon…
So, yeah, I’m starting to see a theme here. Everything in this game has an ass and either shits or farts at you. Charming. Don’t believe me? Here’s a tableau of the game’s enemies I scanned straight from its instruction manual:
And to think I was complaining that modern games used too much brown in their environments.
But, right when I came to the realization that everything in this game is asses, and right when I finally reached the last stage of the grieving process, the game threw an ass-less, non-poop flinging boss at me that didn’t even use flatulence as a weapon. I can’t say I was too disappointed, but it seemed a little odd that the most banal enemy in the game ended up being the most salient by virtue of not being covered in fecal matter.
It says volumes about your game when the most-liked enemy achieves that title simply by being the only one not slathered with crap.
This dragonfly boss is pretty out of place in a game where ass is the new black and everybody’s wearing it. This boss’s inclusion seems a bit careless on the developers’ part and says to me: “We’re not only sophomoric, but we’re also lazy!” I don’t think I’m overstepping my bounds by assuming that the programmers were 12-year-old boys, but, regardless, you can’t just put poop and asses on everything and then decide to have a boss that doesn’t follow that theme! That sort of inconsistency makes your game look just silly.
This man has devastatingly failed at toilets.
I just… I just can’t do it any more. This game is not only the dumbest thing I’ve ever played, but it’s also one of the least fun games I’ve ever experienced. Its premise is terrible, its gameplay is boring, and there are no power ups for your ship/potty. At least, none that I could find. Who would make a shmup without any power ups!? Also, there’s poop. Everywhere.
It’s in his eyes, and he’s smiling. I’ve already lost.
I’m sorry. Usually I like to beat the games I talk about, but I just can’t this time. Despite only having four stages that can be beaten in less than a half hour, I just can’t lower myself to do it. There’s a co-op mode where you and a friend can torture yourselves together, but don’t. Just don’t. There’s not enough toilet paper to wipe away the shame.
Thanks for Your Playing! I think I’ve found my newest worst/weird game. You guys think you know something worse? Let me know in the comments! And if there’s a game you want me to try, I’d like to hear that, too. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to let the Ass-Spiders take me away. I’ve better games to play.
A very appropriate Game Over screen.