Gaming has a lot of images, being that it’s a visual medium and all. But which images are the manliest? What images best evoke the grandeur and excellence that comes inherent with being a Man? I sat down to finally answer this age-old question that’s been plaguing mankind since the beginning of video games, and I’ve finally found the images that best exemplify all that is right and good with being Manly. The following is a definitive list of the Manliest Images in Gaming! Wimps need not apply.
10.) AAARGH! Box ArtMonsters, wrestling, blood, possible electricity crackling, and an all-caps interjection as the title. AAARGH! requires you to yell its name in order to properly address it. It’s no wonder the kid on the cover looks absolutely terrified with a pants full of poop. BECAUSE THAT IS EXACTLY HOW ALL CHILDREN SHOULD LOOK WHILE IN THE PRESENCE OF SUCH MANLINESS!
9.) The Dwarf Riding a Panther in Dragon’s Crown
After subduing the beast by beating it with a hammer, the Dwarf valiantly rides atop his new steed with arms crossed over his barrel chest as he smugly glares over his beard. The pure majesty of this pose is only made better by the Sorceress’s giant boobs atop a dragon in the background. It’s clear why there are no enemies in this pic. None have the testicular fortitude to stand against such a Man… even if he’s technically a Dwarf.
8.) Rubicante’s Honor in Final Fantasy IV
Rubicante may look like a flasher in a red cloak, but underneath all the fire and killing he’s a true man of honor, and this image reminds me of that. You have to fight him on two separate occasions, and before each fight he heals your party completely in order to make it fair. Because real men want their enemies in their prime before striking them down! It’s the manly thing to do!
7.) Bringing Your Special Lady to Watch the Enemy General Explode in A Space Shooter for 2 Bucks!
Singularly performing mass genocide on a hostile alien race would be enough for most men, but Commander P. Jefferson knows the only reason to be so manly is for the ladies. It’s a scientific fact that women can’t control themselves around a man who explodes things. And that’s why Jefferson “invited” (read: forcibly teleported out of her shower) his special lady friend to the alien general’s explosion (which, of course, he caused). A couple of lawn chairs, a few brewskis, and the ability to defy physics by breathing in space was all it took to win her heart. You can’t argue with science.
6.) Leon Kennedy’s Epic Quip from Resident Evil 4
Quips are the best. Using one at just the right moment is a great way to bring the bad guy down a peg, especially when he’s being pompous or arrogant. So when Saddler calls Salazar a small-time subordinate and then Leon spits out the above gem, Saddler can only laugh it off and vaguely threaten him. Because there is no comeback to that. The waiter better give Saddler his check, CUZ HE JUST GOT SERVED!!!!!!!!!!!!
5.) Werewolf: The Last Warrior Ending Screen
4.) Ninjas Clashing in Ninja Gaiden
This image is manly because it has ninjas fighting. I don’t really care why ninjas are fighting. I just want to see them fight. And you know that’s going to happen when you see two ninjas in a field who are wearing different colors. Because ninjas are manly and fighting is manly, this image is DOUBLE MANLY! The only thing that could make this encounter manlier is if the ninjas were ninja-fighting in front of an epic backdrop.
3.) Waiting for the Bull Charge in Punch Out!!
The Bull Charge is a one-hit kill straight out of Turkey, and it used to send me to the mat a lot when I was kid. So when I first saw my older cousin just standing there while Bald Bull set up for it my heart skipped. I remember yelling, “Dude, get out of the way!” But my cousin coolly said, “Watch this.” Bald Bull charged, and my cousin punched him straight in the gut at just the right time, sending Bull to the mat instead. You have to have balls the size of basketballs to be manly enough to face the Bull Charge head on, and even manlier to take him down. Sometimes great timing can make a Man.
2.) This from Contra III: The Alien Wars
1.) Double Dragon II: The Revenge Box Art
Everything. Just everything. There is nothing about this cover that isn’t teeming with pure testosterone. Bothers fighting together, a damsel in distress wearing a torn skirt and high heels, a chick with a mohawk and whip, Billy about to steal that whip by letting it wrap around his arm (the manliest way to steal whips), various bludgeoning tools, the Official Nintendo Seal of Quality, and a random helicopter in the background. I don’t know what it is about having a helicopter in the background, but it makes everything manlier and more epic. This cover is easily the Manliest Image in all of Gaming!
Thanks for Your Playing! You guys know of any manlier images in gaming? I’d like to see them! Let me know in the comments, or make your own Manliest Images in Gaming list! Until next time, STAY MANLY!!!!!!!!!