Long time, no see, pansies! I’m finally back to add another chapter to my ongoing guide designed to stop you from sucking and make you a bona fide Badass! So put away your Rainbow Dash panties and GET THAT DRINK OFF THAT COASTER! Just because I’ve been gone for awhile doesn’t mean you can woman-up the place! The only cure for your girly-ness is to give you nerds an advanced lesson to get your testosterone pumping again! Therefore, today’s addition is a doozy. For today, I’m finally going to tell you what to FIGHT!!!
Now, a novice Badass might think to himself, “Well, I’m a Badass. I’ll fight EVERYTHING!” Though I can certainly appreciate your gusto – this world needs more men like you – I regret to say it’s not that simple. You see, being a Badass means you have to fight other Badass things. You can’t just go up to a school girl and punch her in the head, nor can you suplex random pedestrians. Doing things like that (though hilarious) would classify you as a “Bully,” and isn’t that why Badasses hit the streets in the first place? To take out the Bullies of the world? The kidnappers of our women? The myriad punks threatening the citizens of our streets?
As Badasses, we have a commitment to protect the weak, kick tons of ass, and look awesome while doing it! If you want to look really awesome, then you better make sure the following losers’ asses attend their upcoming meeting with your foot!
Thugs are the worst. They’re the “Cockroach” of the gaming world. Can you get any lower than the measly thug? Thugs have no purpose other than to be fodder for my Flaming Uppercuts and Soul-Shattering Kicks! Thugs are so useless that most are just palette swaps of other thugs! If their names didn’t show up in the top-right corner after I punched them, I’d never be able to tell one from the other! Their only redeeming qualities are that they’re so fun to beat up and there’s a seemingly endless supply of them, ensuring that the fun lasts a long, long time.
But there are so many of them! If they didn’t blink out of existence after a thorough beating, the streets would be full of these knocked out wastes of space! I mean, seriously, why are there so many? A thug can’t make that good of a living. And what exactly is on their job description? “Walk around aimlessly until a Badass comes by, crowd around him/her, wait for your turn to throw a couple punches, get easily defeated and blink out of existence”? Stay in school, kids.
Ah, the ninja. The faster, smarter, and more Asian equivalent of the Thug. Taking out even one ninja is a feat in and of itself. So when you take out legions at a time, you know you’re a force to be reckoned with! Ninjas are known for their skill, technique, deadliness, and stealth. With all that combined, you’ve got yourself one hell of a challenge! Good thing ninjas immediately forget all their hard work and years of training as soon as a Badass comes by! Your very presence will enrage a ninja and have them charging at you like a fat woman to a shoe sale!
Ninjas usually go down in one hit, so a quick jab is all it takes. However, ninjas will NEVER stop coming at you. Unlike thugs whose numbers are seemingly endless, ninjas truly are EVERYWHERE! You have to keep going to the right and reach the level’s end to get them off your ass. That’s why you need to stick and move! Quick jab, jump kick! Quick jab, jump kick! As long as you get those jump kicks in, you’ll be taking them out and gaining some ground. Keep at it until the screen stops scrolling! Those ninjas will eventually leave you alone.
Sometimes you need a challenge. Beating up fellow humans all day can get monotonous. To add a little spice to your evening, I suggest finding a remote village and entering the evil castle nearby. These evil castles are always full of ancient beasts and monsters of legend eagerly awaiting someone to come and whoop their asses! You ever headbutt a charging Minotaur? It’s a rush! Way better than a 5-Hour Energy! And there’s just something overly satisfying about drop kicking Medusa or putting Dracula in a full nelson until he admits he eats his own farts.
I’d say stay away from zombies, though. Not that they’re particularly hard to beat up, but because they’re too stupid to know they’re even getting their asses kicked in the first place. It’s just a waste of time if the ass kickee can’t appreciate your craft. Mummies are a bad idea, too. They’re wraps usually obstruct their view of how awesome you look while power bombing them. Also, don’t mess with Creatures from the Black Lagoon. They’re all scaly and slimy and smell like fish. Gross…
Thugs and ninjas are like hors d’oeuvres: They’re really good practice, but taking down wave after wave can only satisfy for so long. Eventually, you’re insatiable hunger for challenge will demand the entrée. And the main course for any Badass is the Boss fight.
Unlike the expendable riffraff you swatted aside previously, Bosses know how to take a punch as well as dent your skull. Overpowering them usually isn’t a good strategy. Your best option is to do the ol’ “Rope-a-Dope.” Let him do all the fighting while you dodge and move. That may seem womanly, not fighting back, but use this opportunity to find his weak spot. It’s usually a slight pause after a combo or a bright glowing spot on on his body. Spam some quick combos to build damage, then continue dodgine. As you do more damage, he’ll start blinking. The more you bring the pain, the more rapid the blinking becomes. Use caution as the blinking gets faster as Bosses tend to get more desperate and powerful, sometimes changing their tactics. Stay at it, and eventually he’ll go down.
Now listen up, because this is important! After you defeat him, you HAVE to end with a quip or pun to add insult to injury. It’s the Badass Code. For example, if he shoots ice beams, you could say, “It was ICE for my foot to meet your ass!” or “Stay down and CHILL!” The worse, the better. Nothing pisses a Boss off more than lame puns!
Playing sports is a great way to build camaraderie, get exercise, and have fun. But only if you’re winning. Losing sucks and makes doing anything feel like a waste of time! If you’re going to lose, you might as well have some fun and kick the other team’s ass! Literally! There’s no rule saying you can’t vent your frustrations out on the other team’s face! And if there is, I haven’t read it because I don’t read instruction manuals! But, just to be on the safe side, make sure you smack the team around when the ref’s back is turned. And the best way to get him to turn with with a little bribing, which is also not condemned anywhere in the rules, probably.
If you’re lucky to go on your epic journey of revenge and redemption with a buddy, you’ll find that his aid in combat is invaluable. However, you’ll also find that he’s a huge freaking douchebag that takes out all the thugs before you even get a chance because you had to stop for a second to scratch your balls or go take a leak or something. AND he eats all the pizza and meat along the way, even if he doesn’t need it and you do! ALSO, he’ll constantly “accidentally” grab you, stopping you mid combo and letting the enemy get a cheap shot in!
So, yeah, a little friendly fire is necessary to bring his gluttonous ass down a peg. Sometimes you just have to smack him around a bit to remind him that this is a team effort. Moreover, he’s Player Two! I’m number one! You’re playing the Luigi to my Mario! Show some respect!
Of course, smacking him will make him pissy, and he’ll hit you back. Don’t worry: it’s part of the healing process. Anyway, he’ll get his comeuppance when you hit the Boss more and get kissed by the Cave Babe. Cave Babes always fix everything…
Well, there you go, Ladies! If you can only kick a little ass this week, make it count and bring the pain to these jabronis! Though the quantity of asses you kick is very important, the quality of those asses you kicked define the kind of Badass you are.
Are these the only asses you should kick? HELL NO!!! The world’s full of asses ripe for the kicking! So, as you painstakingly anticipate my next installment, start light and practice with what we’ve discussed today.
Homework: Kick a Boss’s ass and make a pun insulting something he’s wearing!
You have an idea of what I should cover next? Put it in the comments! You have a question? Leave those in the comments, too! But all comments must be manly and in the FORM OF A SHOUT!
Stay Badass, g1s! I’ll see you soon with more invaluable advice on how to kick ass and do whatever the second part of that phrase is!