Top Ten Mario Kart Tracks (feat. NobleTeam1 and Bygjuce)

BackgroundThis Top Ten list was originally posted on ScrewAttack by NobleTeam1.  He and yours truly sat down to discuss our Top Ten Mario Kart tracks, and this happened:

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NobleTeam1: All right, some time has pass after I helped make a list that looked at the worst tracks in the Mario Kart series, though Dr. Cool Guy is unaffected due to how chill he is when it comes to Pokemon, but not me anytime soon.

Why did I have to do a list of the worst Mario Kart tracks or at least help out in its creation as now Mario Kart no longer seems all upbeat and great due to that list. I just want to remember those tracks that were so much fun, like that one track that didn’t make me rage or one that made me feel really manly … the hell is that noise?

Bygjuce: Put your Kleenex and your tampons back in your purse!  I can hear you crying over my flexing, AND THAT SHIT AIN’T GONNA FLY!  Because I need my undivided attention if I’m gonna appreciate myself.  You know what you need?  A lesson in Manliness!  And I’m gonna teach you!  For starters, lets take that game you were playing and talk about all the sweet tracks that were in it.  Maybe that’ll stop you from blubbering like vagina!

NT1: Holy crap!  You sound like one INSANELY MANLY MAN!  Hell I bet you can show me how manly a Mario Kart game is as well?

Bygjuce: Nobs, I could show you how manly a night at Bingo with my fat grand mama could be!  Spoilers: Add alligators and flamethrowers!

The most likely accurate image of Bygjuce as of now.

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A few months later at an unknown location

Cave

Bygjuce: Stop being a pansy and watch the damn commercial like a man!  Tune out that Sarah McLachlan song, stare those abused puppies right in their adorable eyes, and feel NOTHING!!!!!!!

NT1: But I’m only human!  And those puppies look so sad…

Bygjuce: *Smacks Nobleteam1 in the face* You’re more than that!  You’re a Man!  Now, put on this karate outfit.  It’s time for your montage.  I’m gonna start the music.  You just start doing random stuff and gradually get better at them.  GO!

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One Montage later.

NT1: All right.  I think I’ve mustered enough courage to talk about Mario Kart some more.

So without further ado here is our TOP TEN MARIO KART TRACKS!

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10.) Cheese Land (GBA)

Bygjuce: What I like about Cheese Land are all the curves, which make for a lot of tight drifting. There’s also those sweet shortcuts with the red, bouncy things.  If you drift and angle yourself just right, you’ll jump over the wall separating the two roads and make killer time.  It’s ridiculous at how much fun it is to do.  Also, Mouser from SMB2 is all over the place on this track, and he’s pretty kickass.  Seriously, a bomb-throwing mouse who wears shades?  That shit’s cool, son!

NT1: If you can’t like a place called Cheese Land, you better be Lactose Intolerance.  Besides sounding delicious, there are sweet jumps this track provides, alongside those tense turns like my manly mentor stated. Well, besides that, I really like the upbeat music to this track as it doesn’t sound like the generic super upbeat Mario Circuit track, plus you can kill mice as well if you have the Starman, which is another bonus.

Bygjuce: It’s true; killing shit always makes things better, especially in Mario Kart!

NT1: Yeah, my master here is right as smashing your foes after they’ve been stunned by lighting is truly one great feeling HAHA!

Bygjuce: And for all you Lactose Intolerant little girls whining about how you tummies hurt, rub some dirt on it, walk it off, and get your ass down to Cheese Land!

NT1: I think we should move on to the next track before all these people throw at how awesome this track is WITH A BETTER TRACK! AKA #9 ON OUR LIST and curse you TEMPORARILY LOCK IN CAPS LOCK!

Man does the moon have some great cheesy music.

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9.) Waluigi Pinball (DS/MK7)

The face of nightmares known as Waluigi

NT1: So, yeah, I’ll say when it comes to lame in Nintendo games Waluigi is really high up there in the Tower of Lame, but man in his giant pinball machine that doubles as a track pretty damn fun to race around in. What makes this track great is the first thing to occur is that you’re shot out of the pinball machine into the track, which makes it tougher as the pinball itself can damage your cart as well. Though man does this track get epic when you have to deal with multiple pinballs.  And the bumper of this track adds for some epic battles, plus when you toss in items like Blue Shells, well, I can say Waluigi doesn’t completely suck.

Bygjuce:  I disagree.  Waluigi is a complete waste and makes me want to punch nuns in the face.  But everything else you said is completely true.  Starting off by shooting out like a pinball is pretty sweet, even if the tight space and laser lights make me feel like I’m being pushed out of a Pink Floyd fan’s anus.

NT1: But Waluigi does things like uhh… yeah I got nothing on that, though for some reason I feel like playing with lasers and doing something on the moon after racing in this track, but yeah UGH Waluigi.

Bygjuce: I honestly think if Waluigi’s name wasn’t on this track, it would have ranked higher on our list, being that it’s a solid and fun course.  Anyway, all this talk about Waluigi might put you deeper in your depression.  We better move on to the next track before you start cutting yourself.

NT1: Aww dammit and that knife I just made was about to get some use soon.  Oh well, I guess we should eat shrooms or something in the next entry, though you should go first so I don’t get any crazy idea like liking Waluigi.

Waluigi: I guess some people like him.

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8.) Mushroom Bridge (Gamecube)

Bygjuce: You need a quick dose of testosterone, Nobs!  My prescription?  Driving a kart down a busy highway with cars 10 times your size!  Now that shit will grow you another testicle in no time!  And you know what makes it even better?  BRIDGES!  Mushroom Bridge gives you all this, plus freaking tunnels!  This gives you an opportunity to make claustrophobia your bitch!  Good luck dodging traffic, shells, and banana peels.

NT1: Wow, I feel much better.  Though I also feel somewhat funny after having been on Mushroom Bridge during my “Worst Mario Kart Track List.”   On that list, I only meant the DS version, as the Gamecube version is just a lot better. Like my master said to me, this track is filled with traffic.  The fact that every kart in this version has two people makes each race here even better as you’ll be avoiding traffic, chain chomps, and fireballs.  Though, at least you’ll be enjoying this chaotic track with some pretty good music.

Bygjuce: I do love the music on this track.  But what I really like is the bridge near the finish line.  If you got the balls, you can ride up one of the bridge’ sides and get a sweet boost.  That is, as long as you don’t suck.  Any sucking while attempting this will result in you and your partner’s dumb ass taking an unscheduled swim, which you totally deserve for sucking so much.  Obviously.

NT1: All you need to know is that this track can also be called “Traffic Attack”  as… yeah… I wanted to make a joke about that… Ohh crap, that joke sucked… on to the next track, STAT!

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7.) Luigi’s Mansion

Bygjuce: Speaking of things that suck, we might as well get Luigi’s Mansion out of the way.  The track doesn’t suck; it totally kicks ass!  I just hate Luigi so much.  Seriously, he’s as unmanly as it can get!  Doesn’t he know that vacuums are for women?

NT1: To many, Luigi’s Mansion is a place in which the plumber’s brother just goes to suck up things and ask where his brother is constantly.  However, there is more to that fabled place as it’s also one of the best tracks in the Mario Kart series ( I know that’s just crazy). What makes this track great is its generally creepy vibe, especially with the Boo Buddies you’ll see throughout this track.  Though those walking trees are creepy, too. And all this creepiness while having what to me is the creepiest music in the Mario Kart series.

Bygjuce: Yeah, yeah.  Creepy, shmeepy.  Real men don’t dwell on that kinda bullshit!  You know what real men like about this track?  You get to race through a freaking mansion and tear Luigi’s carpet up!  Drifting down a hallway is just so damn amazing!

NT1: Yeah, well, I think it’s time to leave Luigi’s Mansion as my sensei here tends to show all his love for Luigi by wrecking his mansion.  So, yeah, we should go anywhere else.  Hell, even a Park would be nice.

Bygjuce once tried to make Luigi manly, it didn’t work out at all.

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6.) Baby Park (Gamecube)

Bygjuce: Hell yeah!  Baby Park!  This course kicks ass!  But don’t let the name fool you: You gotta be a man to take on this course!  It’s a test of endurance with its 8 laps, and it’s super tiny, making for some intense, close-quarters racing!

NT1: Man is Baby Park on the Gamecube freaking crazy! While it’s super small for a track, it’s by far one of the craziest just due to the ridiculous amounts of shit that goes on.  You’ll be hitting and getting hit constantly in this track, plus even the music should indicate that shenanigans are going to occur in this so called Park.

Bygjuce:  I got one word for you: Drifting!  You can drift the fuck out of this track and it never gets old!  The only thing this track needs to make it better is maybe some lava…

NT1: My word!  Let’s tell Nintendo to get on that stat, and we’ll let the money train ride on straight to us while we use that money to buy one of Bowser’s Castle.  But which one?

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5.) Bowser’s Castle (MK7)

Bygjuce: I’d pick Bowser’s Castle from MK7!  It comes with Thwomps, underwater lava, a soundtrack metal enough to be deemed fit for the King of Koopas, and Bowser’s big, fat, ugly head stares at you with mouth agape as soon as you start the race.

NT1: While the King of the Koopas might have many castles somehow (But how does this guy pay for them all? Seriously, think about that for a bit) I really did like his Mario Kart 7 castle rendition. Somehow his castle can defy logic even more by having underwater lava, which looks pretty cool, though I love that the first thing you do within this track is just make one epic jump to start off the race, and to end it as well.  Though I like going through the center of that circle in the beginning of the race, too.

Bygjuce: Speaking of defying logic, my favorite part is definitely when you get to drift up Bowser’s stone staircase.  Any real human being’s head would explode from the sheer awesomeness and fun of such an act while Mario and the gang treat it like business as usual.

NT1: Yeah so let’s use our money to buy this awesome track, though I wonder if we buy this castle does the Airship Fortress come with it to?

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4.) Airship Fortress (DS/MK7)

Bygjuce: If it doesn’t, then I’m building that shit, first thing! The Airship Fortress in MK DS is the most creative and fun track in the DS iteration.  You know how much easier taking these ships down in SMB3 would have been had Mario used a kart?

NT1: I really like this track as not only does it make me think of what Super Mario Bros 3 would be like if it were in 3D, it’s also one great track as being shot out of a cannon is just so freaking epic.  Though starting off a race by avoiding some large Banzai Bills should tell you how great this track is. I sometimes just play this track to shoot down those little bastards that hide within this track as well, and, yeah, avoiding moving flames to get shot our of a cannon is pretty manly, too.

Bygjuce: Damn right getting shot out of cannons is manly!  And drifting down the tower you were just shot into is the icing on the Man Cake!

NT1: Yeah, so remember kids: Drifting is cool since Mario does it, though that did lead to a lot of turtles getting stomped on in 1985.  But, regardless, we shall drift on to #3 AND THEN TO #2 IN WHICH I WILL MAKE A POOP JOKE SINCE I’M CLASSY!

Welcome to a simple majority of the internet.

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3.) DK Mountain (Double Dash/Wii)

Sadly, asking a volcano if it’s mad is a bad idea, bro.

Bygjuce: This track is mad, bad, and dangerous to know!  How do I know it’s mad?  Because the volcano has a freaking face on it!  AND IT LOOKS PISSED!  It’s definitely NOT what you wanna see as you get shot out of a barrel cannon at mach speed.  Or is it exactly what you’d want to see?  Nobs, help me out here.  On one hand, angry things are badass; on the other, it’s a volcano, AND VOLCANOES SHOULD NOT HAVE FACES!  Oh man, nightmare fuel!

NT1: Ahh, I love good old Volcano face as the first thing you’ll remember about this track is being shot at a VOLCANO WITH A FACE AT A FAST-ASS SPEED! Now to make things more epic in this jungle you see a bunch of big boulders on your way down from good old Volcano face, but, nah, your challenge isn’t over yet.  After you think you’re safe from those rocks, get ready for some of the tightest turns in the Mario Kart series while you dodge those big ass rocks again. After all that, you think you’re safe.  Well, you’re not because you have to cross a tiny little creaky old bridge that could lead to your death if those damn Lakitus didn’t want to save you for some reason (seriously. They first throw spinys at you and now they want to save you. What’s up with that?).  But they make this track perfect for traps, thus making it Admiral Ackbar’s least favorite place in a long time. 

Bygjuce: Those Lakitus are as fickle as my last girlfriend, that’s for sure. And you’re right: this track doesn’t let up on you.  You got the super bumpy, super rocky path down from the volcano, redonkulous tight turns into cliffs, rocks, rocks, more rocks, and then that bridge.  It’s like an epic getaway scene from some glorious movie we’ll never see.  It’d bring a tear to my eye if I weren’t such a stud.

NT1: Dammit! I think I just fell off that bridge again just thinking about my master’s manliness, though that also confused that Lakitu into taking us to out next entry.

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2.) Wario Stadium (N64)

Wario was watching you creepily before it was cool.

NT1: Ohh god dammit! I’m back at Wario Stadium, also known as that one track where you can be a complete jerk to your friends, though mainly known for me my favorite Wario-based track to date. Now this track is a test of patience as well as being one bumpy ride because you’ll be dealing with a constant array of hills and all those pixilated people that constantly watch you. Though none of that compares to the JUMP OF FATE in this track.  When anybody has lightning in this track they become the most dangerous member.  If they trigger the lightning just before you make that jump, they can make you repeat a huge part of the track as they zoom off, so yeah, this track is a blast.
Bygjuce:  Sounds like a blast… A BLAST OF ASS!  Seriously, getting hit with lightning sucks balls anytime it happens, but getting hit with lightning over that jump is lightning douchebagery at its ball suckiest.  I guess that’s what makes this track so memorable and badass.  Because sometimes it’s fun to be the douchebag with the lightning!  Speaking of douchebags, Wario’s face is plastered all over the walls on this ridiculously long track.  But, hey, what kind of a man would he be if he didn’t have such a huge ego?  Good call, Wario!

NT1: DON’T YOU KNOW I’M WARIO AND I’M GOING TO WIN!? Though, yeah, Wario does love showing himself off in this track a lot.

If your friend had the lightning bolt within this part, well you’re not friends till the race ended.

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Before we show our #1 Track, we have an Honorable mention, which is…

Coconut Mall (Wii/MK7)

Though having a food court would have made this place a bit better.

Bygjuce: Since we were just speaking of Wario, I think it’s time to bring up our honorable mention.  Like Wario, this track exemplifies capitalist greed and wanton spending while also being awesome and smelling funny: the American institution known as the shopping mall!

NT1: Yep, one of the best tracks in the Mario Kart series happens to be a random mall that I’m going to assume is made out of Coconuts but doesn’t even have a FREAKING FOOD COURT! C’MON!  I starve every time I go there. Now while I might get hungry when I go here I do at least enjoy the music to this track enough to not even care about those 3 crazy drivers at the end of the track that try to run you over.

Bygjuce: No food court!?  Urge to kill rising…  Regardless, this is still a great track.  I mean, really, who here can honestly say that they’ve never looked at a fountain in a mall and thought, “I totally want to ramp that with a motorcycle.”  No one!  And Coconut Mall lets you do just that as well as drive up escalators.  BECAUSE MOVING STAIRS JUST ISN’T FAST ENOUGH!  When are malls going to get a clue?

All right!  The time has finally come!  Enough with the foreplay!  That shit’s for women anyway!  Let’s get right to the moneyshot, baby!  It’s finally time to talk about our #1 track in the Mario Kart franchise!

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YES WE LEFT YOU WONDERING IN SUSPENSE AT WHAT WAS NUMBER 1.  WELL, GET READY IN AS OF NOW!!!!!!!!!!
1.) Rainbow Road?
Bygjuce: Rainbow Fucking Road, shortened to just “Rainbow Road” by Nintendo to keep the game suitable for all ages.  You probably saw this coming and, much like your girlfriends’ attitude towards your performance, you might feel a bit disappointed, but that’s tough shit because Rainbow Road is just that great.  But which one did we pick…
NT1: YES, WHICH ONE SHALL WE CHOOSE!?  As you know each Mario Kart game has featured this iconic track since the series started off, but to us I think our favorite rendition of this track really depends on your own taste as each version of Rainbow Road has been great. So we decided to just pick our own personal favorites instead, though I think I’m getting hit for not agreeing with the SUPREME MAN’S MAN BYGJUCE OVER HERE, SO I SHALL START FIRST WITH MINE!

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NobleTeam1’s Choice: Mario Kart 7’s Rainbow Road

To me the visuals, setting and music in this version of Rainbow Road are just so right.

Out of all the seven current Rainbow Roads, I’ve found myself really liking its Mario Kart 7 rendition the most.  Unlike many other versions, instead of it being just one lap after another, it’s one continuous lap which alone makes it stand out. Now what I like about this is how many things you’ll end up doing within this track like gliding past a Moon, avoiding chainless Chain Chomps, and making some really tight turns.  And this track has plenty of boost pads so, yeah, this track has plenty of speed to offer if you want to go fast as well. I would say that this version of Rainbow Road just gets everything right when it comes to track design, and it has a great remixed version of the music from N64’s Rainbow Road, so, yeah, this track is ALL WIN!

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BygJuce’s Pick: Double Dash’s Rainbow Road.

Yeah, yeah, that’s all pretty cool, but Double Dash’s Rainbow Road has some pretty kickass music, too.  It also has some tight turns without railing, giving you that extra adrenaline rush you need to win!  And don’t get me started about the boosts.  This track’s got them in spades.  The best part is that long curve where the track goes a little sideways.  It’s got plenty of mini-boosts on it, adding a lot of risk/reward to the track.  Fuck up here, and you’re doomed.  Admittedly, the lift near the end of the track is pretty lame and slows down the pace (especially after hitting all those mini-boosts), but it makes up for it by giving you more boosts!  Then, you get to drift down the final spiral road into the finish line.  It’s a pretty sweet feeling.

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Closing Words.
NT1: I can’t believe I have cured my gaming sin of showing off the worst Mario Kart tracks by showing off these great tracks in the series.  They’re just a blast to play in part due to how they reach a level of greatness beyond the standard track, and you know these tracks must be great if they are approved by Screwattack’s OVERLY MANLY MAN known as BYGJUCE! Now, it’s time to see if I’m ready to move on. So, what do you say, master?
Bygjuce: NobleTeam1-san, your journey into Manhood was a long and hard one *stifles laughter*, yet you’ve accomplished much in so little time.  I would hug you if that weren’t so weird and lame.  Instead, I offer you this riddle you must answer to prove to me your manliness: What walks on 4 legs in the morning, 2 legs mid-day, and 3 legs at dusk?
NT1: THE ANSWER IS BACON! THE ANSWER IS ALWAYS BACON! NOW I SHALL MOVE ON TO MY NEXT JOURNEY IN WHICH I’LL TALK ABOUT VIDEO GAMES OR SOMETHING!
Bygjuce: By Odin’s bear!  He did it!  He’s finally a man!  And I know the saying is “By Odin’s Beard,” but it was a typo and, upon looking at it, I decided it was a way manlier expression to exclaim to celebrate your MAN-uation!  Now, young NobleTeam1-san, join me in the time-honored jumping-into-the-air freeze frame!

Yeah, later folks! Time tends to get stuck within a minute of hearing the phrase “Freeze Frame.”

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