Finally, a game that has all the appeal one would expect from being a men’s room janitor. That may sound sarcastic, but I assure you that that statement was written with all the respect a men’s room sanitation engineering simulation deserves. At long last, we’ve been given a place to chronicle proper men’s room etiquette as well as bring to the public consciousness the plight of the average men’s facility’s current condition of disrepair. Indeed, this game may very well herald a new era of education for all men, young and old. Of course, I’m talking about that pioneer of the sterility sim, Men’s Room Mayhem. Let’s all keep an open mind as we take a look at this anthropological study of the inner workings and cultural practices of nature’s most fascinating beast in its most sacred habitat: The Men’s Public Restroom.
Game: Men’s Room Mayhem
Console: iOS Devices, PS Vita
Developer: Sawfly Studios
Publisher: Ripstone Games
Release Year: 2013
While playing Men’s Room Mayhem, I discerned three (3) interesting observations that I feel exemplify the true nature of Man as they enter into the unwelcome yet necessary institution of communal masculine hygiene known colloquially as “The Men’s Room.” I postulate that any Man, regardless of creed or educational upbringing, inevitably reverts or regresses to a more primal mental state as they cross the physical threshold from civilization to – as one subject endearingly refers to it – the “crap tank.” Yet, this regression does not siphon man of all his mental faculties. You’ll soon discover my meaning as you peruse my report.
Upon initially playing Men’s Room Mayhem, I noticed how aimlessly the subjects wandered about the area. It was obvious they understood that they needed to be there, but their capacity to recall or discern any meaningful reasons as to why they were at the location was beyond them. I continued to watch as the subjects rambled to and fro in the facility, rebounding off walls and various porcelain objects. Each subject remained disoriented in their senseless promenade until – I dare not say it. But I must! For Science! – they could no longer master control of their… waste.
It would seem one of my TAs took it upon himself to explain this photo…
As clearly seen in the above photograph, the subjects, in their stuporous state, had no choice but to defecate on their very person! How repulsive! To think that a man – a sentient being whose very birthright is to be elevated above other animals – must void his bowels into his own pantaloons! What manner of persuasion this wretched locality has over the civilized mind!
After watching the subjects repeatedly urinate and discharge into their undergarments and, subsequently, the floor, I decided to intervene (one can only watch for so long!). Using my right index finger, I generated a path from the subject to a urinal. Astonishingly, the subject, like a duckling following its mother, began following the line I had just authored!
With this breakthrough, I began directing the subjects from the commode to the sink to the exit. It was invigorating to see such progress in such little time! However, as one may predict, this became laborious and cumbersome as time and their incessant obsequiousness persisted.
One can actually “feel” the grime as one traces on the floor. Exhilarating!
Soon, the taxing nature of constant supervision began taking its toll, ultimately depleting my stamina and causing me to fumble haphazardly; moreover, frustration quickly set in as the speed and dexterity required to facilitate the subjects’ every movement weren’t reciprocated by the Vita’s interface, e.g. THE DAMN THING WOULDN’T MAKE MY LINES IF I WENT TOO FAST! Ahem… pardon my ejaculation. Anyway, over time, my paths became curvilinear and lackadaisical until they – disastrously – overlapped. It was at this instance I serendipitously discovered the answer to a question I had yet to inquire: What would happen if two subjects made contact in this environment?
Any contact between two males in the public lavatory environment will inevitably turn into a violent physical confrontation. This was a fact made all too clear during my tenure as “Urination and Defecation Director.” Originally, I surmised the first individuals had pre-existing history that caused them to behave like barbarians, but I was able to replicate the situation in every instances, leading to the conclusion that this behavior is unavoidable and expected. Though satisfied with that solution, I eventually found myself purposefully intersecting subjects’ paths. A side effect of prolonged Men’s Room exposure, or unconscious, innate masculine desire for violence and dominance?
My colleagues are instructing me to discontinue any further “pretentious douchbagery.” I’ve made note to research the term later.
Primitive, sure, but it can’t be helped. Why, just the other day an unknown fellow innocuously brushed up against me while I was washing my hands. In accordance with the unwritten laws of the public male restroom, I instantaneously balled up my fist and let the old man have it right on his nose, knocking him clear out of his wheelchair!
Under normal conditions in any other locale, I’d have felt abhorrent. Yet, in the Men’s room, this atrocious action left me feeling liberated! Unfortunately in Men’s Room Mayhem, this behavior is frowned upon and is restricted. Essentially, you’re given a five-stain limit. Every time a subject relieves himself on the floor or enters combat with another subject, a stain develops in their stead. Once the limit is exceeded, you forfeit the game and must try again.
Primitive drawings such as this can be found on every stall, typically accompanied by myriad boogers.
Though savagery is abound in the public bathroom milieu, extended exposure reveals something incredible that exists among the blood, urine, and excrement: a culture.
It seems miraculous that something so intrinsically human can survive in a place so beastly that stall doors are considered optional accessories. However, Men’s Room Etiquette exists, and Men’s Room Mayhem celebrates this dichotomy by awarding all players’ adherence with bonus points. The rule of etiquette rewarded in this simulation is known as “Urinal Order.”
One subject stated that the empty urinal is a measure to prevent seeing “dong.”
When one enters a facility with complete urinal section vacancy, it behooves that individual to take either the first or last urinal. The next individual to enter shall then take the urinal two spaces away from the occupied urinal, leaving a urinal open between the two. This pattern is to be repeated by all in attendance until every other stall is filled. This formation maximizes efficiency, deters the taboo of conversation, and lessens the likelihood of accidental glances of other men’s genitalia, an act looked down upon by many patrons.
The fact that this manner of civility resides in such a dismal plane only strengthens my initial postulation that, despite the observed mental regression, not all of humanity is drained from its inhabitants. Perhaps there’s still hope for these fragile and impressionable creatures? More data is required before a solution to such a hypothesis can be ascertained. But I’m optimistic.
Having played through Men’s Room Mayhem, I conclude that this peculiar title has its idiosyncrasies and its shortcomings, mostly with the interface. However, it’s still a remarkably fascinating and jovial romp! As a scientist and researcher, I appreciate its anthropological relevance; as a man, I luxuriate in the poop jokes and the fights; as a gamer, I can honestly say you can do worse with a couple of bucks.
Thanks for your Playing!