The Birth of a New Console War

BackgroundLadies and gentlemen, E3 2013 is underway, and I have to say that it has not disappointed me one bit, mostly because I’ve never given a shit about Xbox.  And it’s my lack of shits for the Xbox that makes this E3 so much better.  With their awful stances on used games and always-on internet connectivity alienating their own fanbase, Xbox has pretty much dug themselves a hole deep enough to put in all of Bill Gates’s money.  Now THAT’S a pretty big hole!  Moreover, Microsoft’s reps keep putting their damn feet in their mouths with the stupid shit they say.  You want to play 360 and XBLA games on your shiny new Xbox One?  “Tough titty,” connotes Don Mattrick, Microsoft Head of Interactive Entertainment Business.  He thinks “if you’re backwards compatible, you’re really backwards.”  Thanks, dick hole.  That’s exactly how you don’t piss off your customers.

Don 1

“You replay your old games?  I thought everyone gave their old crap to the help.”

Well, he can’t do anymore damage, right?  I mean, someone in Microsoft’s PR team would squelch any further provocations from Mr. Mattrick immediately if… ah, you know I’m just messing with you.  Of course Mattrick’s not done being a jack off yet.  When asked about customers without internet connection, Mr. Mattrick said, “fortunately we have a product for people who aren’t able to get some form of connectivity, it’s called Xbox 360.”  Ouch, good call on that one, Don.  Why not just piss off your established fanbase more by burning wheelbarrows full of money live on stage?  Because that’s pretty much what you did by telling people “Don’t buy our shiny new system!  We already got one for sell!  Derp!  Derp!  Derp!”

Don 2

“Derp!”

As if that we’re enough, along comes Sony with their new PS4.  It was a pretty decent conference, all in all.  Too much talking for my tastes, but not too hateful… in the sense that I’m not Microsoft.  Sony took some spiteful stabs at Microsoft during the show.  Sony was subtle enough, putting up on their enormous screen the facts that used games work on their system and the PS4 doesn’t always have to be online.  It seems weird that that would be a bullet point during a conference, but it was met with so much applause that it was obviously necessary.

Slaying Xbox

I read it on the internet, so it must be true.

To put more salt into Microsoft’s wounds, the PS4 will be selling for $400 while their tyrannical competitor goes for $500. That’s a cool $100 cheaper for the Japanese giant’s machine for those reaching for their calculators.  Considering the PS4 lets you do more for less, I think it might be looking bad for the Xbone.

Dog

Dogs don’t know it’s not bullshit.

But all these facts are boring.  What’s not boring is this informative tutorial Sony released:

Oh, snap!  Without context, that video would have been confusing and easily forgotten; however, anyone caught up on gaming’s current affairs knows exactly what that video is doing. That incendiary piece of propaganda is the beginning of a Console War, my friends.  And like Franklin Roosevelt during WW2, I couldn’t be more thrilled for a war.

FDR

“Fuck Xbox.”  – FDR

Think about it: When was the last time we had a good ol’ fashioned Console War?  Of course we’ve always had fanboys, but we haven’t had companies doing any real and brutal mudslinging since the 16-bit Era!  Sure, we had Crash Bandicoot trash talking Nintendo through his megaphone, but that was like watching a seagull attack a newborn baby turtle crawling to the ocean: we all knew Sony was going to win that war.  But during the time when the Genesis Did What Nintendidn’t, we didn’t know who was going to prevail.  Both systems were just so damn good, despite neither side admitting it.  And during that war, we got some of the greatest video games of all time (arguably).  Who’s to say a new Console War won’t bring about new masterpieces?  One could dream, though I can still remember the crap that spawned during the original Console War.  My God, there were mascots and fighting games everywhere!

Bubsy

The horror… the horror…

What do you think?  You think a heated Console War could do the industry some good, maybe even revitalize developers?  I’m staying optimistic.  I can’t wait to see where all this goes!  Man, it makes me feel like a kid again!

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