Over on ScrewAttack, a g1 named Dallinag runs a blog called Ask the Experts. On this blog, he sends random questions for other g1s to answer. He then posts the answers for the entire community to view, and hilarity ensues. Recently, I had been asked to be an expert on the blog. The following was my response:
Since my first two questions involved Hakan, I made the executive decision to lump them together. Considering I’m the expert, I think you’ll all find my decision to be final. Furthermore, to answer such personal questions, I decided an interview with Hakan himself would be the best way to get to the bottom of these pressing inquiries. The following is a summary of the event:
1. How come Hakan has red skin?
Me: “Hakan, thank you for meeting me at this restaurant after seeing that movie with me. How are you today?”
Hakan: “Doing much gooder now that you have finally done the calling to ask me out.” [fidgets a bit and twirls his hair]
Me: “Understandable. Hakan, the internet must know: What’s up with your red skin?”
Hakan: “Ah! You are liking the redness of Hakan’s baby-smooth skin, yes? [scoots chair around table] “You want to touchy?”
Me: “You’re making the internet wait. Juat answer the question.”
Hakan: [disheartened] “No Turkey for you today, I see. Well, this is not a thing I like to share, but Hakan actually training to be champion hot-tubber.”
Me: “That’s a thing?”
Hakan: “Of course! It on ESPN every other November! Hot-tubbers must stay in hot tub for longest time. Winner get much accolades in Turkey. Is very competitive.”
Me: “And the red skin?”
Hakan: ‘Hot tub very… how do you say in English? Hot?” [farts] “Staying in tub for long times make skin into red. Do you like the hotness, Mr. Juce?” [inches closer]
Me: “Depends. You the champ?”
Hakan: “Unfortunate, no. That title belong to baboon named Betty. She 5-time champ. Hakan always come in second.”
Me: “Then we’re finished.” [rises from chair and turns to leave]
Hakan: [grabs Bygjuce’s sleeve] “Wait! You must be having another question?”
Me: “As a matter of fact, I do. Let’s walk.”
[They leave restaurant]
2. Do you think Hakan's blue, curly hair is natural or dyed?
Me: “Hakan, this starlit walk with you has been wonderful.”
Hakan: [blushing, probably] “Yes, it has…” [leans in close]
Me: [turns head] “Hakan, I must know: Is your blue, curly hair natural?”
Hakan: “Oh, so you are wanting to know if carpet is matching the drapes, eh?”
Me: “Quit playing games with me, Hakan! Just answer the damn question!”
Hakan: [stares in silence. Then, exhales slowly and looks down] “No. The blueness is chemical reaction with bad oil I made for oil wrestling. It… is false color of hair.”
Me: [moments of silence pass. Then, resolutely] “I think this interview is over. Forever. Please never call me for a follow up again.” [turns on heels and briskly walks away]
Hakan: [yelling] “Bygjuce! Wait!”
Me: [stops. Street light overhead. Back to Hakan] “I think I hear your wife and daughters calling you.” [steps forward and out of the light. Footsteps become more distant until inaudible. Lights fade.]
3. Where does Lara Croft keep all that rope she uses for rope arrows?
Lara gets all her roping needs satisfied by the good folks over at Steve’s Rope-porium! It’s an American-owned company specializing in ropes and rope accessories. A joint venture between Steve’s Ropes ‘N Junk and the bright folks over at Apeture Science, Steve’s Rope-porium is able to deliver unlimited quantities of its ropes directly into your pocket or backpack using the latest in portal technology!
Visit your local Steve’s Rope-porium today! And don’t forget to sign up for Enrichment classes at Apeture Science Labs while you’re there!
4. Why are there no good hats for the Medic?
The Medic is a no-good bum who’s a bad influence on everything, especially his hats! Now his no-good hats are corrupting everyone! Just when you think you know a guy… BAM! He ends up being a spy and stabs everyone on your team’s back. That no-good Medic and his no-good hats are ruining the fun for everyone. They have got to go, lest we all fall sway to their shenanigans.
5. Why would I need a gaming console to watch television on my television?
Because the Internet needs more memes!