I have to tell you, of my own volition which definitely has nothing to do with any green plumber-related reasons, that I have found THE game. The world’s greatest game to have been created or will ever be created. Clearly the art and science of programming video games has reached its zenith, and any attempt at making a game after its coming will seem like nothing more than a hollow husk in the shadow of this game’s greatness. It’s as if the divine Creator Himself assembled the code necessary to create this masterpiece, this taste of His Kingdom. Playing this game makes me feel as if I’d lost my virginity tenfold as Commando starring Arnold Schwarzenegger plays on a movie theater-sized screen in the background while Earth, Wind, and Fire preform September. Of course I’m talking about existence’s magnum opus, Luigi’s Mansion: Dark Moon.
Game: Luigi’s Mansion: Dark Moon
Developer: Next Level Games
Release Year: 2013
All right, I admit I might have laid it on a bit heavy there, much like the hand gripping my nec… I mean, much like how the fine folks over at Next Level Games slathered genius all over this game! What I wanted to convey is just how amazingly awesome and groundbreaking Luigi’s Mansion: Dark Moon truly is. And isn’t that Luigi fellow just the most handsome dish of linguine you ever set your eyes on? Way better looking than that brother of his, What’s-His-Name. But he doesn’t matter because this game’s all about the Italian Stallion himself, Luigi!
Actual gameplay footage.
And Luigi really makes this game something special. What a brilliant idea it was for the developers to dedicate all four buttons on the D-pad to make Luigi say things. Important things like “Hello?” It’s remarkably riveting! Yet the brilliance of such a flawless interface decision doesn’t make itself known until you play the epicness that is Luigi’s Mansion: Dark Moon‘s multiplayer. The inevitable chorus of four Luigi’s – settle down, ladies! – nervously saying things – important thing! – is like holding the woman you love closely as she sweetly whispers, “I love you. Also, here’s a monster truck.” It’s beautiful. Here’s an accurate reenactment by JamesertonNG of any given multiplayer session:
But the actual game is so much better! Luigi’s perpetual slowness, even as he runs, perfectly captures the urgency of him having to capture ghosts to save the world! And the slowness’s artistic effect is compounded by the always welcome and constant interrupts of Professor E. Gadd calling you, making Luigi come to a complete halt as he searches for the phone like a total tard… I mean totally rad brah!
A video by Abdallahsmash026 of Luigi looking for his phone and not looking like a total tard.
The professor says some of the most
asinine thought-provoking dialogue you’ll ever hear in a game, perfectly driving the plot forward as he stops gameplay every five seconds. The stop-and-go tutorial/gameplay that’s present throughout the entire game is fantastic! You know what else is fantastic? Searching for Boos! That totally doesn’t suck like the Poltergust 5000! I love having to redo entire missions when I miss one. It’s way better than capturing it and then immediately leaving the level to do better things, like playing more Luigi’s Mansion: Dark Moon! Boy, I sure do love this game! Especially the timed missions you get from gathering all the Boos in a mansion. What a magnificent reward for painstakingly spending the time to search for the bastards. Everyone loves being timed!
IT’S SO RELAXING!
As a man who needs to collect everything in a game, I sure do love going up to all the furniture and doing the same four things before I move on to the next piece of furnishing: hump the thing, then shine a light on the thing, then shine ANOTHER light on the thing, and then vacuum the thing. It’s a winning process and is a blast to do over and over and over again!
No, it’s easily the most masculine flashlight I’ve ever seen.
So, in conclusion, if you love Luigi – and you know you do – then you could do a lot worse than play Luigi’s Mansion: Dark Moon. Like entering a Live Bear-eating contest. Yeah, that’s probably worse than this game.
Thanks for Your Playing. And now that I’ve paid my debt by writing this absolutely unbiased review, I’d like to give a shout out to all the g1s over at ScrewAttack who gave me advice and survival tips. Thanks for playing along and being hilarious! See you next week!
DarkHyruleLord, a bro of mine over on ScrewAttack, tried to give me advice, but I immediately disregarded it. Everyone knows he’s the evilest thing in existence. I’m sure he was trying to get me killed.
Magnum Magnus said “No one can stop the Luigi.” That was real helpful. I know who I’m calling next time I need help. Sheesh.
OmegaSoldierX was pretty adamant about poison shroom gathering. It’s too bad poison shrooms are out of season.
Luigius was optimistic at least. “It’s too late.” Thanks, bud.
LegendStormcrow wanted me to join Luigi’s cult or live with Boos. Either way, I think he hates me.
blackcatv2 went out of his way to debunk others’ advice and assured me I was screwed. Thanks, but I get enough of that attitude from my wife.
snoopthedrew said boinbloings. A lot.
HeatBombastic suggested jumping higher than Luigi. Well, at least he’s trying.
ThatOneGreenMushroomEater explained that it was an evil Luigi clone out to get me. Not very helpful, but interesting, nonetheless.
Alester Reeve‘s suggestion involved two counts of kidnapping and attempted murder. Moving on…
QuartrGuy was at least concerned about the practical things one nomrally doesn’t think about when staring death in the face. I do have life insurance, if you must know.
Gamereviewerbr wanted me to butter Luigi up. Sneaky, but it turned out he was smarter than your average 1st grader.
Sikkinixx screamed, “THEN WHO WAS PHONE?” I lol’d for 5 straight minutes. Well played, sir.
supermatt64, who I thought was my bro, said “It was nice knowing you.” It was one of the nicer things anyone said to me.
And, finally, Noble Team 1, another bro, shouted at the top of his lungs, “LOOKS LIKE YOUR DOOM!” I’m glad I have such great friends…