Internet, I may not have long to live. My life has been threatened, and I’m pretty sure the man out to get me WILL follow through. I wanted to get this out as fast as I could so somebody might be able to help. I don’t expect – or even believe – anyone can save me from this threat, but any help you all could provide would be appreciated.
You see, I recently wrote a post about Fire Emblem: Awakening. Well, I may have accidentally cracked a few jokes at the expense of a certain sensitive, green plumber. A couple days after I posted the Awakening article, I received this letter:
At first I thought it was a practical joke by one of the neighborhood kids whom I drive by and splash water from mud puddles at while they wait for the school bus. The writing was crude enough to be from some uneducated little brat, and there was no stamp or envelop; I found the letter crumbled up in a wad and shoved in my mailbox. I exacted my revenge with the time-honored wedging of their underwear up their butt cracks and hooking the elastic waistband on their forehead.
Satisfied and vindicated, I went about the rest of my week unperturbed… until I received – via an email with the subject “Luigi a gonna kill you”- a link to a video from OmegaTyrant4792. I clicked it because I was at work and screw it if they get a virus. The video I watched was as unnerving as it was spectacularly hilarious:
Oh, no! Obviously, OmegaTyrant4792 is Luigi’s YouTube name! The man that has threatened to kill me has just sent me video evidence of how badass he truly is! The above video contains Luigi kicking everybody in Super Smash Bros. Melee‘s ass WHILE HE DOES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!
Holy shit! I’m dead! If he can beat Donkey Kong by just standing there doing nothing, then what chance do I have!? I mean, DK can go toe-to-toe with Little Mac, and Little Mac is as badass as they come!
Now, I may be freaking out here, but I want you all to know that I’ll be confronting Luigi and meeting my inevitable end with all the dignity and honor a man has.
Minus the mustache, unfortunately…
But if there is anything – ANYTHING – you guys could contribute to my survival, by all means please leave them in the comments below. Advice, encouragement, hints, tips, locations to where I can find weapons – anything can help!