Welcome back to my ongoing course on how to stop sucking and love the Badass!
Being a Badass takes a lot of focus, determination, guts, and punching! Lots and lots of punching! Maybe even a kick here and there, but definitely loads of punching! As your area’s resident Badass, it’s your responsibility to stay at the top of your game if you’re going to keep the Shadow Boss or the Mad Gear Gang away from your women. Vigorous face-punching related exercises are a good first step in staying at your peek, but there are non-face-punching related measures that must be taken in order to stay at your face-punchy-est. Because all this punching and looking awesome expends a ton of energy, you have to know how to keep your energy up, and the best way to do that is by eating right. Now, I know being a Badass doesn’t allow much time to eat, what with the constant street brawls and comeback wrestling matches and all, so that’s why it’s important to only eat what’s best for you.
Below is what I am so unpredictably calling the “Badass Diet,” created by yours truly, BygJuce! I’ve spent years on the harrowing streets of the world’s most dangerous fictitious cities and suburbs: Metro City, River City, Wood Oak City, Gotham City, Springfield, Toronto. The list could go on and on. What I’m so magnanimously about to share with all you girly men comes from years and years of honing my gut to wring as much nutrition as possible from the most easily available foods while staying on the go (read: moving right while punching lots of dudes). So pay attention, and eat the following!
Meat: Man’s best friend! See how Bonk reacts to meat up there? That’s because Meat is just so damn beautiful and delicious. Honestly, I could end this chapter right here because as long as you’re eating copious amounts of meat you’re set! However, there are in fact other foods out there that can make you look more like a Badass if you eat them, and there are many kinds of meat that you should be aware of, each with its own properties, advantages and distinct flavors. Let’s begin with the meat, shall we?
I know what you’re thinking: “Dude, gross!” WRONG! You should be ashamed of yourself! Trash Meat WILL save your life out there! You better get rid of that “stuck-up chick” mentality right now before you even think about strapping on your suspender. Oh, you’ve discovered that the fully cooked ham and turkey dinner you want to eat was found by knocking over a garbage can or a stack of tires, and now you don’t want to eat it? Tough shit, Precious! Don’t you know there are starving Badasses out there right now going hungry among endless waves of generic henchmen? So you’re going to sit there and eat every last bite because I’m not letting the screen scroll to the right until you do, mister! You’re going to feel pretty stupid when your life bar’s in the red and you get taken down by some mohawked punk named Ashley!
Wall Meat is good for the muscles! Not just for its protein, but because you have to tear through a freaking wall to get to it! So you know it’s good! I’m not much into science (unless you’re speaking about the science of Kicking Ass!), but I’m pretty sure Wall Meat is full of strong preservatives. I mean, these preservatives have to be powerful if they’re keeping meat edible after it’s been in a wall for who knows how long. Therefore, I’ve constructed a theory: I believe eating enough Wall Meat saturated with these preservatives has the potential of making one immortal. Now, I don’t have any hard facts or evidence to support my assertion, so the logical thing to do is to have everybody reading this go tear down every wall they see and eat whatever meat they find.
Yeah, that sounds about right. You all go do that, and then come back here in a hundred years and post whether you’re immortal or not. SCIENCE IS BADASS!
Super Meat Boys are delicious! They’re full of protein, electrolytes, and hilarity! Consumption also comes with some pretty sweet side effects, which include splashing blood on any surface you touch, gaining superhuman agility and tenacity, and bestowing upon you the irresistible urge to parody iconic video game scenes and tropes, with hilarious results. Fortunately, Super Meat Boys aren’t hard to find. Unfortunately, they are hard to catch and even harder to prepare properly. Here’s a hint: Frustration and unadulterated rage are the secret ingredients that make Super Meat Boys so good.
Eating one will undoubtedly turn your current withered and weak frame into something desirable or at least more presentable to the ladies. But, until you can actually grab one, stick to the easier-to-capture meats. Like your dong. Because ladies don’t want a man that can’t handle Super Meat Boy! BOOYAH!
If Burgers are good enough for the President of the United States and the Baddest Dudes in America, then they’re good enough for you!
Regardless of whether you bought it at your local pizzeria or found it in the sewer, the healing properties of Pizza cannot be overstated. And the more of it you eat, the healthier you get! It’s a fact and you should quote it every chance you get!
Scientists and mathematicians have recently determined that, through rigorous case studies I’m too lazy to hyperlink, a single slice of pizza replenishes three ticks of life while consuming an entire pie restores you to full health despite your ailment. This breakthrough in medical science has limitless implications! I’m just going to go out and say it: Cancer’s gone within the next few years!
But healing isn’t even Pizza’s best attribute! The best part is that Pizza tastes great with pretty much anything on it. Might I suggest putting huge piles of meat on top of your pie for maximum deliciousness? So, the next time you’re trading blows with a steel pipe-weilding ninja and you see a pizza, take the time to devour that shit in one manly bite! Not only will it heal you, but attacking someone with your cheeks full of pizza and having sauce shooting out of your mouth as you bellow your battle cry always takes the enemy by surprise.
I’ve a modest proposal. Since the streets are teeming with hooligans hellbent on destruction and daughter-napping and Badasses become exhausted through the constant and repeated actions of punching and kneeing the faces of said hooligans, why not solve both problems in one fell swoop? Simply eat the jabronis that are trying to cut your face off!
I’ve been assured by a very knowing Pink acquaintance that a spry, healthy henchman is a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, boiled, or inhaled. Personally, I haven’t had to resort to eating my enemies, mostly because I don’t suck (check out that double meaning!) and constantly need healing. But, if you do get kicked around a bit too often, I’d say learn how to unhinge your jaw and let them have it! You’ll recover life, rid the city of one less asshole, look like a total Badass, and save time while doing so. Everyone wins! Unless you’re the asshole who got eaten, of course. Then you definitely lose.
Donkey Kong eats bananas. Donkey Kong punches alligator people in the face; therefore, you should eat bananas! You can’t argue against such ironclad logic. Now, go eat every banana you see so you can become a Badass like DK and not because I accidentally bought a lot of stock in Chiquita. Definitely not because of that.
I don’t have any figures on the nutritional value of consuming ghosts, nor do I have any research on whether or not you’ll get cursed by doing so. What I do have is a suspicion that anyone who eats ghosts is someone I don’t want to fuck with. I can’t even wrap my head around the awesomeness of the person who eats ghosts. I mean, shit! They EAT ghosts! I know full grown men with guns and swords who’d be too busy slipping on their own shit to even begin figuring out what kind of wine would complement a transparent entrée.
Speaking of shit, I wonder what bowel movements would look like after you pass a ghost? Hmm…
And that’s it! Eat everything I just outlined here and you’ll be a well nourished Badass capable of liberating cities and making out with real ladies in no time!
Also, if any of you weaklings have any specific areas of weakness you’d like me to address, drop me a line in the comments below and I’ll get to them whenever the hell I feel like it.
Your Homework: MEAT!!!!!!!!
Stay Badass, men! You too, women! See you next time!