Funny how that grabs your attention? Well, it does mine, so of course when I was looking for a quick shmup to play on my PC Engine my eyes unconsciously honed in on Burning Angels, a game so gratuitous in its suggestive angles and so explicit in its objectification of women that I really had no choice but to play it. I mean, for crap’s sake, I’m only a man!
So, since this game is ludicrous, I decided to play a little drinking game as I wrote this article. Every time I typed “Angle” instead of “Angel,” I had to take a shot. Just so you know, this opening was worth 4 shots (the last sentence was 2 of those shots). Therefore, I apologize in advance for the drastic drop in quality.
Anyway, this is Burning Angels, a shooter filled with so much fan service it was only released in Japan. Because of course it’s Japanese!
Game: Burning Angels
Console: PC Engine
Developer: Naxat Soft
Publisher: Naxat Soft
Release Year: 1990
I really wanted to play a shooter on my PC Engine. Obviously, I could have chosen a way better shooter: Soldier Blade, Air Zonk, Hana Taka Daka!? But I just can’t help that I always go for the stacked redhead every time. Just ask my wife.
Not pictured: My wife. Because I don’t want the internet looking at her boobs.
And clearly I’m not the only one who likes their ladies stacked. The guys who made this game were obviously fans of large bosoms as every lady in this game is nearly popping out of her shirt or bathing suit or whatever the hell they wear in this game.
It’s a problem when 50% of any cut scene in your game is boobs. Not for me, though.
The developers also put in a “Busty-Lady-Running-Toward-the-Camera” scene in order to… better develop the characters and plot?
Jiggle Physics was mastered way back in the 8-bit era, apparently.
Okay, fine! This doesn’t really explain the plot at all, but, you know, boobs. So it’s necessary. Anyway, since the manual and nearly all the in-game text are in Japanese, all I have to help with piecing together the plot are the cut scenes, which mostly contain still shots of the ladies getting video pap smears. Good work, Japan.
Just as I suspected. It’s a vagina.
Besides futuristic cervical checkups, the only other (relevant) scene I got was in the beginning when some dude kidnaps some chick. I can tell I need to rescue her because the game yells at me to “Rescue!” Normally, I don’t like my games being so bossy, but I’ll make an exception for Burning Angels. Because breasts.
Bad guys wear purple.
There! Plot established! Let’s jump into our jets and explode things! I use the plural or “jet” for a couple of reasons:
1.) There are two jets to choose from: Dragon and Phoenix, each with their own firepower. And:
2.) The game is 2 players.
I’ve always liked co-op shmups, but I can never get my friends to play games with me anymore. They keep telling me that my games suck and that my parents are disappointed in me. It’s kind of mean, really.
My wife flat-out refused to play after seeing this chick straddle the camera again.
So, of my own volition and not because everyone hates me, I decided to go solo on this one. Picking Dragon, I set off to Rescue! And, let me tell you, that was a pretty easy feat, which was disappointing. Shmups are generally tough, but this game was a cakewalk.
Don’t get me wrong: This was an enjoyable game that followed most of the traditional conventions that come standard with shmups. You can power up your primary weapon, get missiles as a secondary weapon, gather options, and turn into an invincible fire bird somehow.
It’s a secret to everybody.
Burning Angels had its difficult moments, and you do only get one life, but you have multiple hits (like 12? You have a life bar) before you die and get a game over. And though I breezed through this game’s five stages, I’m pretty sure it was luck.
I can explain my luck in one word: Sweet Spots.
Translation : “Chicks like guys who can hit the Sweet Spots.”
If you don’t know the non-perverted use of the word “Sweet Spot,” it’s a term used in gaming to describe an area where one can safely stay while killing enemies. I believe the more modern term might be “camping,” but whatever. Point is: Sweet Spots. This game’s got ’em. A lot of ’em. And though they’re cheap, they’re fun to find and exploit. However, Burning Angels has so many Sweet Spots that I’d accidentally find myself in one at least a couple times in every stage. The below gif is me in the middle of a level, killing everything while I stay in one spot. The Sweet Spot.
” ‘Cuz you’re the best, Around!” – Joe Esposito about me.
It’s just that the enemies come at you in the same patterns over and over again, and enemy fire is so big and slow. In the later levels, I had gotten so used to how enemies had previously been coming at me, I was actually able to predict enemy formations and figure out the Sweet Spots in advance. It was kind of embarrassing. Though the embarrassment might actually come from my wife walking in on some of the cutscenes. I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m into Japanese cartoon porn now.
Translation: ” ‘Cuz you’re the best, Around!”
But sweet spots weren’t limited just to the levels. The boss encounters had their fair share. Notice how I’m not even shooting at this guy.
Awww. It’s trying to destroy me. How adorable!
And check out this sweet spot I found. I’m right up in this guy’s face!
Balls of steel, sir!
All I had to do was inch to the side as he swept his laser across the screen. His other shots didn’t even get near me. I eventually made a game out of finding the Sweet Spots. The Sweet Spot Game, if you will.
My favorite Sweet spot I found was when I fought the battleship with all the guns. I decided I wasn’t going to shoot at the guns and instead destroy them by touching them with my options. The results were tragically hilarious.
I almost felt sorry for the game.
After humiliating the game, I went on to decimate the final boss and save Dr. Double D. Yay, Burning Angels! The end! You then watch the credits and get a surprise visit from Makai Prince Dorabocchan for some reason.
Yeah. I knew who he was. I’m that retro and that obscure. I’m like the hipster of gaming, except my senses of pretension and condescension are replaced with Mountain Dew and Doritos. Because my sense of irony is intact. Because I’m a gaming hipster. Now I’m gonna go wait in line for the newest COD. Because irony.
This is Makai Prince Dorabocchan, by the way.
In the end, Burning Angels was decent. The sound effects were passable, the music was there, and the environments were nothing spectacular or new (green field, city, clouds, and sea). Parallax scrolling is always nice to see, and this game had enough for me to notice, I guess. It was a little too easy, but the cut scenes’ campiness and the Sweet Spot game I created made Burning Angels much more enjoyable. It just goes to show that video games are only as fun as you can make them out to be.
Thanks for Your Playing! Know any games with some awesome Sweet Spots? Have you ever created a way to play a game to make it more interesting? Let me know in the comments!