The Badass Guide to Gaming: What to Wear

What to Wear

To be a Badass, you have to look the part.  What you wear should say, “Hey, everyone!  Look at this badass over here!”  But looking the part is only half of what your outfit can do for you.  Your outfit should also accentuate your intrinsic badness and give you advantages during all those inevitable street brawls you’ll be in.  Here are some tips to make you look, feel, and be the Badass you know you can be.  Because if you go out there looking like a bum or a punk, you’ll be the one treated like a palette-swapped jabroni with his head between his shoulder blades after a nicely executed piledriver.

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Gis are actually a pretty bad idea.  They look amazing, but true Badasses try to be more aerodynamic.  Gis flap all over the place, slowing you down and distracting the ladies from seeing all your sweet moves.  There’s also the chance that the belt or bandana could swing around and bust you in the balls or eyes, respectively.  It’s just so much easier to simultaneously spin kick four or five guys while wearing something less flowing.

If you do decide to wear a Gi, make sure it’s a color that doesn’t show blood very easily.  Because when you’re going through the streets and beating down ever thug in your way you’ll inevitably end up getting some blood spatter on you.  You don’t want somebody to mistakenly think you’re bleeding your own blood, do you?  And we all know how hard it is to get anything out of white.

Great choice, Dan!

Remember: you’re a Badass, not a slob.  Being presentable with clean, bloodstain-less attire sends the message that you’re as awesome as your are practical.  Your enemies will hate it, and the ladies will love it.  It’s win-win!

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There’s nothing like a greasy pair of sweatpants or Zubaz to show enemy ninja that you mean business!  They may not be the most wind-resistant, but coupling the pant with a wife beater will add Badass points and give you more upper body mobility, compensating for any loss of speed in your kicks.  And the more ass you kick, the more sweat you produce.  Sweatpants soak in all that sweat, making it the ultimate in thug-beating attire and comfortability.  As an added bonus, all this sweat absorption will make you bottom-heavy, adding a ludicrous amount of power to your kicks.  Notice how Blade from Bad Dudes easily slices ninja in half in the above pic.  The only downfall is that the ladies love the smell of sweat too much.  Don’t let them lie to you!  Your ball sweat is full of pheromones that drive women crazy!  Go ahead and wear the same boxers for a week or two and see what happens.  The ladies will be all over you like ninja on the president!  I’m not making this up, either!  This is science, so you know it’s legit!

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A little constriction can be a good thing.  Sometimes you have to keep your boys in check, if you know what I mean.  Letting them run loose can yield disastrous results.  That’s when a unitard comes in handy.  However, unitards leave your arms and legs uncomfortably vulnerable and ridiculous-looking.  This is remedied by completing the ensemble with stockings and a vest.  These articles cover you enough to add a little extra protection without reducing your maneuverability.  Also, they take attention away from the unitard.  To distract more from the unitard, I suggest wearing clashing colors, a goofy hat, and an over-sized novelty necklace.  You may look stupid, but no one said you had to be smart to kick ass!

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Another great choice for keeping your package safe and sound is the suspender.  That’s right: the singular form.  Who has time to make sure two suspenders are fastened properly?  When you promise the people you’re going to clean their streets of gangs, you get on that shit pronto!  Haggar rocks the one-suspender look like it’s no one’s business!  Because it’s not, so stop asking him, assholes!  Anyway, Haggar owns this look so hard that he always kicked it up a notch for each sequel because, luckily, there is always more idiots to piledrive.  His final iteration is by far his most superior look: skin-tight biker shorts held up by one suspender while his rattail majestically flows in the wind.  And that mustache!  Sorry, my man crush is showing.  Let’s move on.

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Any real man would never leave his house without a thick, unhealthy coat of angry slathered on his face!  Adopting a box of kittens, getting revenge on the gods, rescuing orphans from a burning building, bar mitzvahs, watching Sarah MacLachlan commercials about abused puppies: Doing anything or going anywhere without your war face wrought from anger is just not acceptable!  Even cracking a smile is a sign of weakness, and your enemy will capitalize given the opportunity.

One time, my father, a legendary ninja who was bequeathed a magical sword said to be powerful enough to bring destruction to the world, smirked at a joke my uncle told at a Christmas dinner, and his arch nemesis, having sensed my father’s lapse of judgement, immediately burst through the wall and ran him through with his battle axe!  Just the way his father went before him.

Point is: Angry.  Be it.  Always.

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We all know being a Badass isn’t just a one-man show.  Sometimes you’re lucky enough to embark on that long road paved in broken noses and fractured femurs with someone you trust, be it your brother, a close friend, an axe-wielding dwarf, or a small child wearing roller blades.  If you are so fortunate, it’s best to plan ahead and color coordinate your outfits.  Not only will thugs know you’re together, but it’ll make it easier on you in the long run.  You couldn’t imagine how easy it is to lose track of who’s who in the heat of battle.  But if you discuss color scheme and theme before going off to crack skulls, you just may prevent a little friendly fire.

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I think this goes without saying.

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For those who aren’t completely secure in their badass-ness (read: pussies), you may want to go the “Full-Body Battle Armor” route.  It offers protection while also making you look pretty cool.  For best results, I suggest getting armor with a gun for an arm.  Take Samus for example.  I’ve never actually beaten a Metroid game, but he sure looks hardcore in that suit!  I’ve seen him kick some major ass in Smash Bros., too.  Though I prefer my fallen enemies to see my face and look directly into my eyes as their lives fade away, I can see why some guys would like to wear suits after seeing dudes like Samus wreck some ass.  I say keep it simple because I don’t know much about technology, but, if you got the brains for it, you might want to hide in your suit as you fight.  And on your way to the store to get your suit, pick up a couple tampons to put in your purse as well.  You never know when you’re going to need them.

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Who said you can’t look like a Badass and a gentleman?  Not Scrooge McDuck, that’s for sure!  He’s so B.A. that he doesn’t even give a shit that there’s a ghost right behind him.  Because fuck ghosts!  If he can’t make a profit off of it, Scrooge moves on.  Now that’s studly!  Keep it Badass, McDuck!  Capitalism isn’t for the weak!

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There you have it!  Are there more ways for you to look Badass?  Sure, but I can’t give you all my secrets out the gate, now can I?  Your fragile little frames and dainty minds couldn’t retain or comprehend everything I have to offer.  Keep coming back for more Mantastic Tips on how to stop sucking and be a real man!

Your homework: Grab a belt and make a suspender out of it! Your boys will thank you for it later, and so will the ladies, if you know what I mean! Sexual intercourse!

Keep it Badass, men!  I’ll see you next time!

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