Top Ten Robot Masters from Mega Man

Mega Man is one of the most iconic figures in gaming.  Honestly, if I had to pick the Top 3 Icons in Gaming, it would go Mario, Pac Man, and then Mega Man (phew, there’s a list I don’t have to make now).  Mega Man is just that amazing and that important to gaming.  His games aren’t only a blast to play, but they pretty much created the formula to which all Run-n-Gun games derive inspiration.  The games are also unique because they give players some choice in game progression, and they made listening to video game music outside the context of the game a thing.  Everyone loves them some Mega Man music.  In fact, when I was a kid, I used to put my Yak Bak and Talkboy up to my TV’s speaker and record stage music just so I could jam to it later.

I love the Talkboy.  It’s so bad.

But, not unlike Batman Himself (hallowed be thy name), Mega Man really wouldn’t be as cool as he is without the help of his Rogues’ Gallery.  You know who I’m talking about.  I’m talking about all those ridiculous Robot Masters who were apparently created for some kind of real world application, but instead Dr. Wily decided to reprogram them into Kill Bots.

Yeah, this is probably a good idea, making all these.

It’s these unsung heroes that I would like to celebrate today.  And to do so, I’d like to give you my Top Ten Robot Masters from the Mega Man series.

10.) Wood Man (Mega Man 2)

*snicker*

 9). Hard Man (Mega Man 3)

LOL

8). Junk Man (Mega Man 7)

HA!

Okay, I’m done with the dick jokes, but only because there are no more.  And now for something completely different.

7). Splash Woman (Mega Man 9)

Splash Woman is terrible.  It’s sad but true.  I’m pretty sure she’s the only Robot Master whose weakness is Mega Man’s default weapon.  It actually takes away 2 ticks from her life bar as opposed to the standard 1.  The only reason she made this list is due to the fact that she was the first female robot to break Wily’s glass ceiling.  That’s good and all, but did she really have to be so awful?  She’s really just making all the other female robots look bad.  It kind of reminds me of the episode of Futurama where Leela becomes the first female professional Blernsball player because she’s just a gimmick who sells tickets, and the female player who’s actually good gets pissed.  Yeah, Splash Woman is probably pissing off the other chick robots.

I know this isn’t Futurama.  This episode is just better.

I guess it should be mentioned that Wily didn’t place another female Robot Master in his roster for Mega Man 10.  It seems that Wily has the same view as my father when it comes to women in the workplace:  “If there’s a woman on the job, you’re already a man short.”  Oh, Dad.  Your misogyny is so adorable.

6). Garbage Man (Captain N: The Game Master for only 1 scene)

Okay, so Garbage Man really isn’t in any of the Mega Man games, but he should be!  I really only initially picked him because his name reminded me of the Lemon of Troy episode of The Simpsons.

That’s right.  Two Simpson pics in one post.

Could you imagine what his stage would be like?  It would just be piles of garbage all over the place!  That would be hilarious!  And the power that Mega Man would get would be so stupid.  Maybe he’d shoot sludge or something and make the robots stink for a while?  It wouldn’t be very effective unless you were fighting Captain Planet.

But who would want to harm that beautiful face?

I was also thinking maybe the mini-boss could look like the Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock.

Why in the hell did they talk to this thing, again?

Oh!  Or maybe the mini-boss could look like the Trash Lady from Labyrinth?

I swear my wife and I saw her at Denny’s once.

Where was I going with this?  Whatever.  Capcom, make all this happen in Mega Man 11.

5). Blade Man (Mega Man 10)

Look at him!  He has a blade for a head!  Now that’s dedication to your namesake.  And his arms are just swords.  I’m sorry, but what in the hell could Blade Man do in civilized society other than being a Kill Bot?  Even Edward Scissorhands had some sort of practical, everyday use.

Such as Frightening Hairdresser, or Shit-Inducing Lawn Gnome.

And let’s not forget that the power Mega Man gets from defeating him is basically shooting 3 knives out of a gun.

That’s so stupid it’s incredible!

4). Elec Man (Mega Man)

Elec Man shoots lightning out of his hands.  That’s so awesome.  And when Mega Man steals his power, the lightning shoots in 3 directions at the same time, making it an indispensable and crucial weapon in the original Mega Man.  But what I really like about Elec Man is that he has some huge huevos.  Elec Man doesn’t care who he rips off because I guess you can only dress one way if your thing is electricity.

Electro from Spiderman sure does have nice butt flaps.

However, Elec Man gets huge props from me because of his stage music.  Anyone who steals from Journey in order to have a kick-ass theme song is all right in my book.

3). Guts Man (Mega Man)

Of course Guts Man is on this list.  How can you have such a dumb name and not get this high?  I’m a big fan of how his only power is picking up heavy shit and chucking it at people.  Judging by his stage I can infer that Guts Man’s real world application had something to do with construction, but I’d like to think that he wouldn’t be limited to just that.  How about a rock-throwing security guard?  Or maybe he could throw beached whales back into the ocean?

Or maybe he can just chuck this broad into the ocean?

Whatever his potential may be, we can at least all agree that Guts Man could at least beat the shit out of the Aggro Crag.

Guts Man didn’t even care his competition was composed of elementary school kids.  He was taking home a piece of the Crag!

2). Air Man (Mega Man 2)

If you were anything like me when you were a kid, you took one look at Air Man and said, “Whoa…”  I remember thinking Air Man was the coolest-looking robot I had ever seen in my life.

The robots from Batteries Not Included excluded, of course.

He had huge shoulders like a football player, he was blue and yellow, and he looked pissed.  Probably because he had a fan for a mouth.  But, he still looked menacing, nonetheless.  Plus, he shoots tornadoes, and defeating him gives you a tornado gun.  It’s as stupid as shooting knives out of your gun, but way more devastating, I would imagine.  And I do imagine about tornado guns.  A lot.

This is my prototype projected to be operational before next season.

Air Man has my favorite theme from any Mega Man game, and he has a pretty sweet video about how hard it is to defeat him.  That’s amazing.

1). Metal Man (Mega Man 2)

Metal Man is easily the best name for anything, EVER!  He sounds like he could be the frontman for some Heavy Metal band, preferably from Norway.

Brutal.

He’s also outstanding because he throws buzz saws at people, and he has a buzz saw on his head, which makes him look like a doctor, and that’s cool.  The weapon Mega Man gets from Metal Man is also the best weapon in Mega Man history.  Not only is everybody weak to it (include Metal Man, who dies instantly upon impact), but it costs almost none of your power bar to use, and it can be fired in all directions.  Considering Mega Man doesn’t have functioning shoulders or knees for some reason, that’s a pretty big deal.  And that is why Metal Man is the No. 1 Robot Master!

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